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Monday, October 28, 2013

New Blog....Mine. Life After a Junkie Kid

Hi guys. Back to humor!! Here is the URL to my new blog. Hope you all stop by and read and perhaps laugh at my trials and tribulations of raising the children of my children!!

Monday, June 24, 2013

Why does this all make us to TIRED?

kept up all night by DH watching movies. I can sleep with TV on, doesn't bother me. however, having a LIGHT on wakes me up immediately. So he would wait till I fell asleep and turn the light on, which would wake me up. I would toss and turn and glare, and the light would go off, (not the TV) and I would go right back to sleep, then he would want a cig and turn the light on, which woke me right back up....lather, rinse, repeat...


got up this morning to Nursey at 6:30 when I had JUST finally gotten to sleep calling to say unlock the door, my shower is broke. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa

I said where are your keys? on her other keyring. Thanks. yah.

Then when I finally awake AGAIN at 8:30, the toilet isn't filling right. Down I go to see if sewer is backed up AGAIN. No. It's not. Good. But toilet still isn't filling very fast. Now, it does work....which is a good thing in a house with 8 ppl.  

medicate everyone in family on meds. have first panic attack.

friend calls. 2nd panic attack.

clean kitchen. 3rd panic attack. I have been up one and half freakin hours.

Calamity update. I am tired of being lied to. It is a 90 day rehab in a posh place where she can have the 6 year old with her.....

I just don't care anymore. Girls are pissed that she lied. Good.

Nursey just texted. her Silent Bob, the bobtail maine coon cat she got from me has agressive bone cancer. Vet wants to put her down, Nursey can't handle it.  I said take her home and let her die naturally at home. Get pain meds. Dr. Vet told her to give one baby aspirin a day. like that will help with pain? really?

Said it's a matter of days,  not weeks or months.

Nursey wants me to go babysit 5 cats at her house so silent bob isn't alone.

4th panic attack.

pool water is green again. 3rd shock. still green.

DH has bad infection in foot that was amputated last year.

just ready to give up.

glad there is a meeting tonight. boy do I need it.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

not the best choice of responses

Beautiful campfire in firepit. Nursey and Bf. Neighbor. Kids night swimming. Got drunk. Not the best response to a daughter in rehab for alcohol. Or poly addiction.  Hoping kids did notrealize. They came in first and went to bed.

Guess this has hit me alot harder than I first thought.

Meeting is Monday. Hope I make it till then. God. I hate this.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Update. I am calm.

Turns out, as always, there is more to the story. LOL. There's a shock to a POA right?

After the arrest 5 years ago for passed out in weeds, there were several other occasions when I wondered seriously what was wrong with Calamity.

Some of you may remember the pool party which she showed up late for, was acting stoned out of her head, stumbled around and ended up in the house praying to the porcelain goddess. I was FURIOUS at that incident...

And there were more. She would stumble, she would slur. She always headed for my wine when she came over. That in itself wasn't weird, so does the oldest daughter. My husband has occasional beer, my son drinks. We don't suffer from alcoholism in our family, drink responsibly and don't drink and drive.

Now, in retrospect, I should have been warned off, Calamity was never a drinker...

Tall Man (bf) who has been in love with Calamity through one husband and one relationship, and 3 kids to others, is still hanging in there, covering for her. He is also on methadone and was a junkie with her. He was the one that brought Heroin to hospital one hour after 1/2 Pint was born.

Speaking that I think of it, this DOES make sense. Remember when 1/2 Pint was diagnosed as Fetal  Alcohol Syndrome and I thought the psychiatrist was crazy? Guess he wasn't. 1/4 Pint is most likely also FAS. I think this has been going on for at least 10 years or more. Shitballs.

I cannot get a straight answer out of him. I called bullshit on most of what he was TRYING to tell me. He did finally admit that she was mandated for alcohol. I asked (and was not answered last night), knowing as much as we know about programs, they don't mandate a 30 inpatient rehab for a “few” dirty tests.....not when you have been a patient there for 7 flipping years?

No answer. I came right out in a text. Said is my daughter full blown alcoholic? No answer.

Asked if her isolation (they live half hour away in very small farming community full of drugs and one bar and one liquor store) and they have one car and she is stuck at home most of the time with a 6 year old, or alone when 6 year old is at school. Anyway, asked if the isolation could have contributed to her drinking. He did answer that with a yes.

I told him that for the girls, we would do what we can to support her sobriety, and that moving closer would benefit that. We have about 2 meetings per day in our little town LOL. Go figure.

That was about all the confirmation I could get.

He is not bringing ¼ Pint over as scheduled. Made a bunch of flaky excuses. Supposedly now bringing her over sunday.

I let Pint read all the texts, unedited. She just kind of shook her head and went downstairs.

I told her I wrote Dr. Phil. I did. I said maybe it's time we took this shit out of the closet. Every program tells the addicts story. No one has EVER told our story. She agreed.

And that's the latest update. Really know nothing more than she was mandated for alcohol or get kicked out of methadone program. We know she pulled dirty tests. Don't know how many, but he did tell me a 'few'. Probably more like 30. Sigh.

Found a Family Meeting Monday night at 7:30. I will go. I will offer to take Pint and ½ Pint with me. They will probably not go. That's okay too.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

cross addiction

After much run around with her boyfriend. ..turns out it's not heroin. Its alcohol. Had to tell Pint. She, nor I, took it well. First of course, the lies. As some of you may remember, Calamity was arrested when 1/4 Pint was age 2. For being passed out in side of road whilst baby in stoller was IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Yah. So anyway, the flakey behavior patterns etc escalated in the last year.

My feelings?  Rage. Betrayal.  Anger. Hurt. General pissed  last night, talking to Pint. she's all like, but Meemaw, you dont treat her very well. And besides, alcohol is easy to beat. WTF?  I tried to explain. Didn't go well.

I cried. I told her you think I dont care. I gave birth to her. I raised her. It kills me slowly inside. Like someone over the past 14 years is slowly slicing off pieces of my heart. Each time, I get less and less able to give love freely. She said Meemaw, you have to let the past go. I said I cannot. I live it every single day. I cannot escape it.

She said, you cant hold it against her. Everyone treats her different in the family.

I was like. Sweetheart. All I can do is try.

In my head, meanwhile, I am SCREAMING. How can you expect the family to just forget 14 years of financial, emotional and betrayal pain?

But, she loves her mother. And she wasnt the one that lived through that aspect. We did. I cant put that on her.

Meanwhile...we get 1/4 Pint 4 days a week when BF works. For the next month. They made up some lame story. 1/4 Pint is 6, but does not have the understanding that the older girls did at her age.

Im just sick. Spent all morning trying to find a meeting. No luck.  We live in nowhere's ville. Stopped into my fav bar. Lol. How fucking appropriate is that?

It is what it is. Fuckitall.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

and... REHAB #15¡

sigh. I don't even know what to say. Fuck. 30 day detox. She was on methadone for 7 fucking years. Holy Blessed Mother, be with me. I had to tell girls. Not good.

Monday, April 8, 2013

14 years later....still. I fucking HATE heroin. and Junkies.

so....this is what it is like to raise the children of two addicts, one of whom is my daughter. Yah. I took custody of her first two children away from her. The oldest is now 13 ½.

This is not pretty. For all of you parents out there who are busy trying to save your children from heroin use, you should probably not read this. If your children have CHILDREN, you probably should.

OMG. I have a 13 ½ year old girl, and a 10 ½ year old girl. I am58 years old. Both girls parents were heroin addicts.

The oldest, in the last two days has...

threatened to cut herself

threatened suicide

threatened to leave

cried hysterically because she remembers walking upstairs when her dad and mom were still living with us and seeing her dad have sex with another woman. In our house.

Told me of the memory of her mother prostituting herself for herion.

Told me of the memory of her mother, and her father, shooting up.

Told me of the memory of finding needles in her mother's purse. (thank GOD she didn't touch them, Mom and Dad BOTH have hep c.)

I could go on and on and on.

My babies are train wrecks because of the selfish stupid actions of their parents.

I have had them in counseling since they were babies AND THEY ARE STILL TRAIN WRECKS.

Heroin DESTROYS families. Heroin DESTROYS children.

14 years later, heroin is still destroying ME. And Pint.

Is it because we havent forgiven? No. We have.

Is it because we haven't given chances? No. We have.

I am closer to a nervous breakdown over the effects of heroin 13 years later than I was when I found out my daughter was a junkie. I am closer to a nervous breakdown because of what it did to HER CHILDREN than what it did to HER.

I thought it was bad enough, what heroin did to her.

I was wrong.

What heroin does to the children of addicts, NO MATTER HOW SOON YOU GET THEM, it lasts a lifetime. It hurts.

A Junkie wrote me an email recently. She was using. Wanted to know if she should tell her parents or not. It took me a week to decide to answer. Finally, I did.

I said “ if you want to be clean, check yourself into a rehab and THEN, after you are clean tell your parents. If you don't want to be clean, please overdose and kill yourself quickly. It will be much easier on your family in the long run.”

Yah, she replied. She said “I am very sorry to have bothered you, I can see you don't like people like me.”

I wrote back. I told her, it's not that I don't. It's that my daughter is one. And then I told her of the unending pain. The betrayal. The hurt. The damage.

She wrote back, about a week later. She said thank you for the second letter, but she also said that the words of the first letter haunted her all week long. That I would be so honest and brutal about the effects of heroin. That I would say, either get clean yourself, or overdose and die quickly haunted her through the week.

She detoxed. On her own. I am very proud of her. I hope she makes it. I was honest about my feelings, just like I am on here.

I hate heroin. I hate junkies. I hate what they both do to families. It's my blog. I am allowed.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Thursday, March 14, 2013

1/8 Pint (13 weeks now)  is sick. 101 fever. All 3 girls have had NUMEROUS breakdowns today. Major Meltdowns. Like we are on meltdown 12 or 13. Tears, screaming, hysteria. DH is bitching. Baby is on the couch with her face turned to the wall.

Not a good day.

Friday, March 8, 2013

waiting for spring!

Just thought I would open today with a pic of my newest granddaughter, child of Baby!  She will be 13 weeks old on Sunday.  She has now passed all of the chromosome testing and is perfectly normal. Baby had to be on some pretty gnarly meds throughout the entire pregnancy, and there were MANY complications, including a C-Section.  They thought 1/8 Pint  had Down's Syndrome (we didn't) and so we had to subject her to all sorts of nastiness to prove the idiot doctors wrong....

So, very glad THAT is all over now LOL.  Now we can just enjoy having a  baby in the house. Our dining room is now 1/8 Pint's bedroom. It's a bit awkward, but she sleeps well and sleeps through all 4 dogs barking whenever someone walks in, sleeps through 1 teenage girl and 2 pre-teens arguing, doing homework etc. Sleeps through me doing cleaning etc, She is a wonderful baby, so even tempered and good. Slept all the way through the night, 10 hours last night!! Whooop Whoooop. No more night feedings!!

She has rolled over, blows raspberries, coo's and is generally very social. We love her!

Everyone should have some 'baby head' to smell!!  Have a great weekend.,

Monday, February 25, 2013


So very sad this morning. All is actually more or less well on the home front.

Pint, is having trouble. I just want to cry for her. It is so hard when your babies hurt, and there is nothing you can do to make it better.

She is 13 ½ years old. She is in 9th grade, and a freshman in college as well. She has a lot on her little plate. She doesn't GET algebra, so she has an F in algebra. She is so very frustrated that she came to me and ASKED if she could go back on her ADHD meds.

Those of you following for years will remember how excited she was at age 11, to finally go off her meds and be 'normal'. And, she did extremely well, until this year.

She is always so emotional now, in puberty, of course. But in addition to that, she has trouble concentrating at school. Emotional instability is one of the signs of the 'hyperactive component' of ADHD. The hyperactive component can manifest in many different ways, unstable emotions, anger, fidgeting, etc. Hers has always manifested as emotional instability. Even to the point where she was evaluated for bi-polar, which I strongly was against...although I did allow the Dr. to evaluate her. I didn't feel that it was bi-polar as she did not have any of the other signs of bi-polar, something we have in extended (non-biological) family members. She was also evaluated for depression.

Both of those scare me to death. Number 1, there are some MAJOR psychoactive drugs involved. And, my little Pint, being the child of two junkies, does NOT need mind-altering drugs in her system!! It's bad enough to have medication for ADHD.

We don't know what the psychiatrist will say on Friday. It is the same Dr. who helped her so hard before, to get her off her ADHD meds. Although she is now physically old enough to been seen by the adult psychiatrist, I requested that she stay with the previous Dr., with whom she has a good relationship and rapport. I feel that she will be much more comfortable with him. His family and ours are both Roman Catholic, so he also suggested many different things to calm her mind down at night, such as saying the Rosary, etc.

I think that helps a lot, having a Dr. who can know your family/child dynamics so well that he/she can suggest alternative methods to control something and not just push medications on you. I respect that. He is a regular old psychiatrist, an M.D. Not some 'new age' wholistic Dr who prescribes vitamin regimen, or acupuncture or whatever. Not that I am against any of those at all, but when something disrupts a child's daily life to the degree that this is, I feel it is a wee bit past alternative solutions.

We look forward to Friday! And to see him, find out how his 5 kids (as of 2 years ago) are doing, and if there are more babies in his family now LOL. We also look forward to her not being immersed in angst.

Baby is doing really well with 1/8 Pint (who turned 11 weeks old yesterday. She has rolled over x1, blown raspberries (when we weren't looking, the little bratty girl LOL, but we could HEAR them), then she just smiled away when we busted her!!) Baby doesn't really get the whole “you have to PLAY with your baby, not just feed, change and put her to bed” thing, but she is TRYING. I am, of course, there to step in and make up the difference.

Overall, for someone recently diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, I think Baby is doing so very well. We weren't sure at all if she was going to bond with the baby, if she would be ABLE to bond with the baby. Schizophrenic's, by the nature of the disease, can be very dis-connected with other humans, not feeling empathy or emotions, This is called 'flattening'. Baby does have SOME flattening still, but it is in relation to others not to 1/8 Pint. We watch, suggest, and help her learn to parent her daughter. I am very proud of the strides she has made!!

Son, is FINALLY moving out. He has fallen in love literally with the 'girl around the corner' from where he grew up. They have know each other all their lives, and had crush's on each other in high school, but nothing ever came of it. Now, years later, they started dating and are madly in love. She is good for him, pushing him a tad bit. Son tends to be a procrastinator, and suffer from “Peter Pan Syndrome”, what they are calling the 25-35 year old male population who will NOT move out of their parents home!!

¾ Pint is rolling right along, and now wants to specialize, not just in marine biology, and not just in SHARKS, but in a very certain shark. I would tell you what it is, but I can't remember the name of the bloody thing! She could, however, tell you everything in the world about this shark LOL. She gets to go to a marine biology camp this summer for an entire week! She is so excited. And, I am excited for her.

½ Pint is getting along pretty well, she is 10 and in 6th grade. She is 2 years younger than any of her classmates. She is an A/B student in all subjects. She will be starting Jr. High next year with ¾ Pint. A bit scary for me!!

I'm just doing the same things, but I am really tired now. I don't have the level of energy I used to have. Cleaning and cooking are just chores now. I don't really like that, but really, how flipping long can you DO THAT without getting sick and tired of it? Going on 38 years of raising kids and keeping house, and there is little joy in the mundane, day to day stuff anymore. I don't know whether it is the elusive “NUMB” we have all been blogging about, or the fact that I am turning 58 this year and am just plain sick and tired of doing the same shit over and over and over and over!!

Dealing with everyone's problems does tend to get a person down. Severely depressed husband, morbidly obese, congestive heart failure and diabetes. Peter Pan son – now moving out! Schizophrenic daughter. Pint, bleeding disorder, parents are junkies, ADHD. ¾ Pint, gastroparesis. ½ Pint, bleeding disorder, parents junkies, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. And a new baby,

No flipping wonder I am tired eh? LMAO.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Still NUMB, after all these years...

Reading my blogrolls yesterday, A Mom's Serious Blunder, a mom talks about how she is now “Numb”. I totally get that.

In the past 13 years, I too have become numb. You sort of have to. To survive. If you don't, you just start shutting down. The pain becomes unbearable.

You can't spend every day crying. And, you do, right at first. Before enabling happens, before anything else, comes emotion. And oh my GOD, it hurts so very much.

Madyson talks about how it is just easier to be numb, not react, not care. You go to your “safe” place that allows you to make hard decisions, allows you to say NO YOU CANNOT BE HERE.

It is a pretty horrible place to be. The bad part is, you have to be there eventually, unless your addict stops using (rare). And the REALLY bad thing is, after you have managed to get to NUMB, you don't know how to get back to what you used to be.

I'm there. I see it every day. Like Madyson, I too have other kids to take care of. Like her, I too mourn the person I used to be, before drugs hit our loving and close family and almost destroyed it. Like her, I have little ones who deserve the same kind of Mom that the addict had, the Mom who put notes in their lunches, the Mom who took them out of school occasionally for “hooky” days filled with fun and doing things together. The Mom who wasn't always tired. The Mom who still knew how to smile.

My grand babies don't get that Mom, because I can't recover from numb. Oh, I fake it. I try really hard. I make myself laugh. I force myself to sit and watch a stupid TV show with them. But it's not the same. They don't realize it, but I do. I remember the Mom I used to be. And, I miss her.

Calamity has been in Methadone Maintenance Treatment for 6 ½ years now, and I STILL have not recovered. It is quite unfair. Not whining. Just stating fact.

Again, there is no 'free state funded' treatment out there for the victims of addiction. Just for the addict. We get nothing except a 12 step program where we have to go and admit that WE have a problem. Well, that didn't work. I didn't have one.. My effn Junkie daughter did. And they said, WELL, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS A JUNKIE DAUGHTER, so you must also have a problem that you are powerless over? Really? Then talk to my OTHER four kids, because they are pretty certain I don't.

Frustration. Oh yeah. Anger? Still there. Fallout from Calamity using? Still paying THAT price as well.

It just never stops.

Can't have appropriate relationships even with my DH (21 years of marriage) who fortunately loves me enough to understand and be supportive. Numb. Can't laugh with my grandkids whom I have the raising of. Numb. Can't make new friends. Numb. Don't have energy to start new things. Numb. Don't have the $ to do new things because we never have recovered financially from all the money poured into Calamity which didn't work. Broke and NUMB.

Still have to be Numb, because Pint, now 13 and in 9th grade has

S T A R T E D TO R E M E M B E R...

And I am the one who gets to hold her when she cries. I am the one who has to listen to her tell me how when she was Four, and her Sister was only 1 ½ and I let Mom have them back during a clean period, how she had to figure out how to get the baby out of the crib cause Mom was passed out with a needle in her arm. How she and her little sister had to walk to a 'store' with a stranger one day while Mommy “talked to a man”,and it was cold, and they were scared, and they didn't even have coats on. And the store was far away (to a 4 year old). How Mom wasn't there to get her off the kindergarten bus.

And THAT was only a two week period! Of course, I quickly found out and went and got them back. And went to court that time and got custody.

But the scars still remain. Poor little Pint. That she should have to remember. She is not numb. She still hurts, and hurts badly. Everyone says what a great job I am doing. How wonderful the girls are. How they are grade advanced, good students, will graduate High School and College at age 16.

Yah. All true. But they don't know the times when my baby Pint is falling apart. When she remembers. And even with extensive counseling through the years, and continuing to this day, SHE FUCKING HURTS.

That is what drugs do to little kids. They hurt them emotionally forever. The kids don't really ever recover.

And the parents, ME, Madyson, we are the ones who have to go NUMB, just to deal with all the crap the addict puts our families through, to be able to keep our family together, in some warped vision of functionality.

Yes, I still think it would have been easier on us if our addict had died. And yes, I know some of you have lost your child. And, I am sorry. But, you see, our pain just continues and continues and continues, no matter how hard we try to overcome it, no matter what we do, no matter how many counselors we see, and the only reason we have this pain, is …

We are the Mother of an Addict.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Stranger than Truth

I'd say what a wild and whacky year...but then, that's the only kind I have ever had really. I would/could also say how bizarre that is, but all you readers know better. After all, this close bond that has brought disparate strangers together here proves that the only place the word N O R M A L belongs is on our washing machine cycle..

My life is so different now. Gosh, time flies! Seems like only yesterday that the babies were born and now we have a new baby. This situation is so different, yet very similar to the old situation.

There are no drugs involved. But there is impairment involved. The difference, I guess, is that Baby did nothing to contribute to her impairment, whereas Calamity stuck needles full of heroin into her veins.

Baby is schizophrenic. She had a major psychotic episode almost one year ago to the day. She had to be hospitalized for a week. Then, right after that, she got pregnant. We chose not to terminate as we don't believe in abortion. She had to stay on her anti-psychotic medication to keep from being psychotic. There was some small risk to taking the meds while pregnant. She chose to accept that risk.

1/8 Pint was born 3 weeks premature, went into labor naturally and ended up being a c-section baby. She is growing like a weed now, almost 7 weeks old. She is being tested in Feb for Down's Syndrome, which the doctors think she has, but which we don't.

There are no pyramids around, and we are not standing knee deep in de-Nile..... 1/8 Pint really doesn't have all of the markers. She has no “simian crease” on her hands, no epicanthal fold on her eyes, but her ears are a wee bit lower than they should be, and she sticks out her tongue more than normal. So, the doctors want her tested. Bloodwork is all it is. And in any case, she is a “keeper”, we love her and regardless of the testing we are not giving her back!! Mommy (Baby) is doing so well with her.

Parenting a schizophrenic is much like parenting an addict, only worse, and weirder.

With an addict, you have to watch them with the baby in case they nod off. With a schizophrenic, you have to watch them with the baby and say, “honey, look at her and smile”, “Sweetie, look at her and make eye contact....honey this, honey that. It takes a lot of reminding and supervision.

Hard? Yah. Because of the brain trauma from the accident in 09, her memory is gone. Most times we have to repeat instructions about a gazillion times before they get through.

All that being said, for the most part, she does remarkably well with 1/8 Pint. She has learned to feed her, cuddle her, and talk to her. She still feels uncomfortable with it, but she forces herself.

Schizophrenia is a very weird disease. There are two facets to schizophrenia. One, the most apparent, is what is called Positive symptoms. Not positive as in “good”, but positive as in ACTIVELY HAVING delusions, hallucinations, psychosis. Then, there are what are called “Negative” symptoms. “Negative symptoms represent a reduction of emotional responsiveness, motivation, socialization, speech, and movement. Primary negative symptoms are etiologically related to the core pathophysiology of schizophrenia whereas secondary negative symptoms are derivative of other symptoms of schizophrenia, other disease processes, medications, or environment. For example, antipsychotic medications can produce akinesia or blunted affect. Depression can cause anhedonia, lack of motivation, and social withdrawal. ...Negative symptoms can also be the result of psychotic processes. For example, social withdrawal can be caused by paranoia or by immersion in the psychotic process to the exclusion of real-life relationships. Primary and enduring negative symptoms are often referred to as the "deficit syndrome." Individuals with the deficit syndrome have been found to have greater cognitive deficits and poorer outcomes than patients who do not have this syndrome .”

So, Baby has good control of Positive symptoms, but not so great with Negative symptoms. And, the negative ones are way harder to overcome. That is sad, and a lot of hard work. Especially when there is a new infant in the picture. There are days when I have to take care of the baby almost totally, when Baby is having a bad day. Then, other days, she is fine.

They will most likely live with us for years. Or at least until her psychiatrist says she is capable of living on her own and caring for a child as a single parent.

Some days, it feels a lot like enabling.....and brings back many bad memories. I constantly have to keep reminding myself that this is not an addict, this is my child with schizophrenia. And, it's my job to help her as much as possible to be the best person, the best mother, and the best she can be at everything.

Frustrated? Oh yah. Tired? Definitely. Also a lot of driving as I got her into a program that is about one and a half hours away, top in the nation, called Special Treatment for Early Psychosis. She has to go weekly.

However, she has improved so much since we started taking her. She still has negative symptoms, but they come and go now, instead of being there all the time.

I will try to post more. There are some really funny parts to our lives. Without humor, I wouldn't have made it this far!!

Love to all.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

anyone still read me?

Was going to start blogging again...but don't even know if my readers still exist.   Test post lol. If u do, plz UST leave a quick comment! Thanks. Dawn

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Annual Update!!

Just an annual update for all my 57 followers LOL.

Been a fairly quiet year. Well, quiet in OUR family anyway.

I am on several medications now, for heart, for nerves...(go figure? Right?).

DH had major surgery, it was a bit dicey there for awhile, see previous blog post.

Baby is now 6 months pregnant, her daughter is due December 30th. My how time flies. She is well maintained on her psychiatric meds, and has continued them throughout the pregnancy. There is some small risk with the medication she is on, but the doctors and the family decided that there was a much larger risk to the baby having a psychotic mother, so we decided to continue the meds. So far, the baby has checked out fine, and believe me when I tell you they are checking to the nth degree. We will welcome our new granddaughter with open arms. Baby has decided to live with us until the baby is at least 1 year old, and longer if we deem it necessary, depending on the state of her schizophrenia. She is being very adult in trying to deal with an incredibly difficult disease.

Pint is now in 9th grade. So far, she seems to be doing well in high school. She is taking ONE college class this semester. She does feel a bit challenged, college at 13 is a bit overwhelming after all, but I still believe strongly that challenging these girls will be their best bet to a drug free future. As long as we keep the challenges not too big, and overcome-able, which we have done. Her biggest challenge is actually learning how to study, as I mentioned before, this is not something she nor her sister have EVER had to do.

¾ Pint continues to be my 'breath of fresh air”. Nursey moved back to town, Cop still lives in town and ¾ Pint divides her time pretty equally between our home, her dad and her mom. It is a bit weird, but works for HER, and therefore, for us.

½ Pint is going through a bit of a rough spot. She is just turned 10 years old and in the same class as ¾ Pint, both in 6th grade. They are doing well with both being in the same grade, ½ Pint is also struggling a bit with learning good study and organizational skills. So far, 6th grade looks to be the most challenging year she has had to date.

¼ Pint continues to live with Mom, and has started Kindergarten this year. She passed all her milestones and passed the Kindergarten readiness test well. She is still so very tiny, about the size of a three year old. Very delicate looking. However, she is a bit of a pistol!

Pint is less defensive about her mother now. She is in high school, and so, is much more social and busy than before. Her mother will contact me to see if the girls can come visit, I whip out my phone calendar and am like “well, this weekend, Pint is doing this and this, and ½ Pint is free on Friday but not Saturday...”

Calamity (Mom) lost her 'take-homes' again. The girls are NEVER allowed to go to the methadone clinic with their mother, so if she doesn't have a take-home for that morning, the girls do not go. My rule. Unbreakable.

½ Pint has never really had a relationship with Mom, and so, many times just says “no, I don't want to go” when asked. Calamity deals with this. I can see the hurt in her, but again, when asked, I (gently) remind her that I didn't CAUSE this situation. She did.
Recently, after having the girls to a function for the afternoon, when returning them to me (late), she did say to me “mom, they are SUCH well behaved and good children”.

Most of our discord at this time revolves around her being a 'disneyland mom'. By that I mean that when the girls are with her, she tends to buy them whatever they ask for, at birthdays and Christmas, she tends to overspend on them.

I have noticed that they are starting to take advantage of this and have explained to her that it is OKAY to tell them NO. We do it all the time! She says, 'well, I don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like to and so, I hate to tell them no...” I reply “look. They are taking advantage of you, and you do NOT have the money!!” do NOT buy them things they ask for and then not be able to pay your bills. It doesn't make sense!

Money, in this economy continues to be very tight. There are many, many times we are asked by the girls, can we do this, or can we have this, and we have to say “sorry, there is no money in the budget for that..” and really, that is that. They get it. They DO KNOW how to hear the word no. Of course, they do not like it, hell I don't like it when I can't have something I want LOL. But it is what it is.

All three girls have had to share the attic bedroom since Baby and her Belly have moved in with us. That is a little dicey now. Three girls ages 10, 11 and 13 in the same room. Two 6th graders and one 9th grader. There are certainly conflicts there. But, I see it as an opportunity for them to learn many things.

  1. Family means sacrifice sometimes. When they bitch about it, I ask them if they want to be the one to go tell Aunt Baby that she needs to move out. That usually shuts them right up.
  2. It is your OBLIGATION when in a family, to figure out how to be both CIVIL and ACCOMODATING to those you live with.
  3. There are things in your life that you cannot control and you have to deal with them as best you can.

Son is still resident on our sofa. Sigh. He just turned 27. He is beginning a new relationship, we have not yet met the woman. Hopefully he will decide to live with her. We will not kick him out, but we also do not make it easy. He does pay a modicum of rent toward expenses. He is also helping to subsidize his grandparents financially, a significant amount each month, which we were unable to do. We help them out with food (I started extreme couponing to do this), and so, since he is also helping them out, there is necessity for him to stay here.

It is also another good lesson for the girls. Yes, we are VERY crowded. Yes, we have ONE bathroom and 7 ½ people in our home. Yes, we have to make allowances. And they have to learn to get along with everyone here.

It can sometimes be volatile. And funny. And crazy. Here we are.

DH, suffers from CHF, severe depression and PTSD. Insulin dependent diabetic who does NOT practice good blood sugar control. Won't even give himself his shots.

Me – just plain nuts some days. Control freak.

Son – highly gifted, sarcastic and VERY private.

Baby – Paranoid Schizophrenic and pregnant.

Pint – profoundly gifted and grade accelerated 2 years, drama queen, budding singer (really good voice) child of two junkies. Has mild (unmedicated) ADHD, RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), a severe bleeding disorder similar to hemophilia and some organizational issues. Is 13 and so thinks she is fat and ugly. (she isn't.). didn't get bit by booby fairy, got MAULED by booby fairy. Wears a bigger bra size than I do. Sigh. Built like the proverbial brick sh**house.

¾ Pint – normal, smart, droll sense of humor. Can't sing. Plays Clarinet well. LOVES SHARKS. Suffers from severe Gastroparesis (digestive system does not work). Takes 11 meds a day to just digest her food. Very organized and is the 'go to girl' when something needs taken care of. First one to volunteer. Child of very narcissistic mother and very disciplined Federal Police Officer father. Very tall, hates basketball although gym teacher keeps TRYING to get her involved.

½ Pint – profoundly gifted, grade accelerated 2 grades, love to DANCE, wants to take gymnastics (when money allows), keeps things inside too much, tends to rage when overwhelmed. Learning to control. Is diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and has a cyst in her brain, and also has the same bleeding disease that her sister has. Additionally, was born addicted to heroin, child of two junkies. Still very tiny.

And Baby Belly,

Four dogs, one of whom is both STUPID and DEAF, the other of whom is just STUPID, another is OLD and just wants to sleep, and one chihuahua who is always cold and wants on your lap. They bark ALOT. And constantly. The one dog who is deaf and stupid, thinks the flat screen TV in the living room is a window. So everytime someone outside that window looks at all menacing..she jumps off the couch, runs over to the TV stand and barks like crazy. You have to STOMP the floor to get her attention, and then shake your head NO for her to stop. Then, two seconds later, you have to do it all over again!!

Five outside cats, two female who are finally spayed. They fall in the pool regularly, so I put the ladder INSIDE the pool so they can get out! When I go out to feed them, and one is wet, I know they went swimming....

And that's our family!! There are days I think we could rival the Osbourne family in reality TV LOL. But it's OUR family, and this is the only life we know.

I continue to have the girls in counseling, maybe only once or twice a year...but it's there if they need it.

Friday, June 22, 2012

just regular stuff

Pint and ½ are visiting their Mom, Calamity on a semi-regular basis right now. Sort of.

½ who is getting ready to both turn 10 the end of August, and start 6th grade, doesn't really like to go to visit. She went Wednesday this week, but I ended up driving the ½ hour to Calamity's at midnight because I got a phone call from ½ Pint saying (crying) she ABSOLUTELY could not stay, she had bad heartburn and NEEDED TO COME HOME! So, up I got and went and picked her up.

She is not real comfortable at Mom's house. It's not structured at all, Pint is bossy when they are there, and ¼ Pint drives her nuts and doesn't mind at all.

½ Pint is used to structure, bedtimes, shower times, regular meals at the almost exact same time of day, getting up in the morning. You know. Little things like that.

At Calamity's it is not unusual for them to STILL be in the car at 10:30 at night. So, ½ doesn't like going to Mom's.

Mom isn't too bad with this. I think she knows, and actually loves the kids, so she appears to be good with the attitude of ½ who is, after all, very close to DH and I because we have had her since she was 3 days old. Mom realizes that ½ bonded to us as parents, and not her. And I give her credit for trying to understand.

Pint, on the other hand, does visit. She is getting ready to turn 13 the beginning of August and start 9th grade, which in our school district is High School. She will also be taking dual credit college courses at the local University. Makes me wicked nervous!

Pint, …. likes spending time at her Mom's. We recently – Last week – had the screaming argument conversation where the dreaded words came out....

“I'll just go and live with my MOM!!”

to which I replied, go ahead, make the call then, because you will NOT go and live with your Mom, the judge will put you in foster care for a minimum of 2 years while your Mom has to jump through all the hoops that he wants her too before she can regain custody of you.

To which she replied “YOU TOLD ME THAT WHEN I WAS FIVE!” to which I replied, “Yup, and it was true then, and it is true now.”


Teenagers. They are bad enough as is, but when you add in not living with your biological parents, it is a recipe for disaster. The original kids, when angered, would say I'll go live with friends, and I would say, “OKAY, bye then..” and that was it. They stormed up to their rooms, slammed the door and it was over.

The two step's, would say “I'LL JUST MOVE IN WITH MOM”, and we would say, okay, call your Mom then, and they would storm upstairs, slam their door, and that was the end.

Pint...I don't really have the opportunity to call her bluff. The thing is, I don't WANT her to EVER go live with Calamity now.
For the above reasons. When Pint is there, Calamity uses her to babysit ¼ Pint, (not babysit exactly, more like entertain...because Calamity is still in the house). Pint, being in puberty, LOVES little kids and babies. She also loves doing things she knows I wouldn't allow, like staying up really late, going shopping at 10 p.m. And having more control. Calamity treats her more like a friend/adult than a child.

Pint is also very bossy, being the oldest, and so Calamity sort of feeds into that whole mindset thingy. Pint has been there for two days. She will come home today. She is usually kind of obnoxious when she gets home, and I get a lot of lip from her.

If there is a conversation between Pint and I, for instance, Can I go to my Mom's...and I say No, not today, I get IMMEDIATE – Why? To which I reply, Because I said so, to which she replies BUT I think I am owed an answer to which I reply NO, you are not!

She wants to know the justification for every thing I say to her. I don't feel that is necessary, and tell her “I am an adult, I do not need to share my reasoning with you ALL the time, sorry.”

Again, Sigh.

Friends. She has some. They are 2 years older, WHICH is admittedly MY fault for grade advancing her. I watch this closely. Even to the point I installed an SMS Stealth Tracker on her phone so that I get a copy of every single text message sent and received. A bit paranoid? Perhaps, till you realize at her small Jr. High, there were 73 cases of “Sexting” last year. There are only 163 kids in her grade. What is that? 40% or so of 8th graders in an AVERAGE small town school are 'sexting'? Hence, Stealth Tracker.

She gets mad at me when I make her do chores, but when she calls a friend and THEY say I cannot come over till my chores are done, that is somehow okay LOL. This is all normal stuff, and so I kind of embrace it. Having Pint NORMAL after all we have done to normalize her is.....justifying. And, pretty wonderful all in all.

I guess my biggest fear is that we will lose the closeness during adolescence. That will be very hard. Usually with girls, ages 13-20 are a time of pushing boundaries, mouthiness and drama. One thing I have learned is that when they get on the HYSTERIA TRAIN, I stay off. I tend to go sort of Non Emotive when speaking to teenage girls. Bland, monotone, this is what it is tone in my voice. It works, for the most part.

Pint like to argue. Read future lawyer there. Argue about ANYTHING. Doesn't matter. She is also all about fairness. And I am not always fair. LOL.

On the other hand, at school, she is the 'go to girl' in her group, and even outside her group, when there is a problem. They all come to her for help with prioritizing solutions. She had a pretty good year academically, having only 2 B's all year long and ending up on A/B honor roll. Socially, she is on the dumpy side as puberty hit with a vengence, she is now a D cup, and only 5'1 and so needs the upcoming vertical growth spurt that we all get eventually to even out her belly. But, the growth spurt is not appearing right away and Pint like to SNACK.

So, she did not make the cheering squad. She is considered one of the slightly 'fat' girls and that is really hard in 8th/going into 9th grade. Another obstacle to overcome.

¾ Pint is wonderfully normal in a very weird sort of way. She throws her hair into a tangled pony-tail. She lives primarily with her dad, Cop, and sleeps at our house. She still has the ambition to be a Marine Biologist and thinks almost exclusively about marine life, bugs, and biology. She is quite the tom-boy, not being interested in bubble-gum boy bands at all, (as opposed to Pint who just dropped the Beib for One Direction and is in love with Niall whom she is going to marry..although I am pretty sure He is unaware of this...)

¾ like to be busy. She is very 'hands on'. She gets bored easy if there is no one here and no one to swim with. She tends to hang out with her little cousin who is not actually HER cousin, but is the cousin of Pint and ½ and lives down the street with the OTHER GRANDPARENTS. He is also 11, and has a brain tumor (which Chemo finally shrank and it has stopped growing-Thank God!). Her and Cousin hang out a lot because she prefers boy type activities like digging in dirt, playing with bugs and getting dirty.

¾ Pint see's Nursey regularly now. Nursey moved back to our little town from the big city. Nursey got a new BF, and he is from around here, so now Nursey lives only minutes away.

¾ doesn't really like being at her mom's that much, but she tolerates it. Mom doesn't have A/C in ¾'s bedroom and hey, it's summer, and it's HOT. Nursey still bitches at ¾ about the way she dresses (it's clean? Okay I wear it. Match? Who cares...) Nursey is very fashionista personality. Her daughter, is not. LOL. Nursey changes her hair color every other week. ¾ ? Would shave her head to make it easier if she thought she could get away with it. That's mostly what they argue about but ¾ is VERY opinionated and not adverse to going head to head with Nursey, and winning.

Cop and ¾ continue to have a cool life. Cop is pretty strict, and ¾ gets frustrated with him, but the old Daaaaaad! Comes out a lot, LOL, and Cop backs right off. He does love that baby! They just got back from a 3 day trip to NYC to see the 911 Memorial and a few other things. He does keep her interested, going to museums, concerts of classical music (she plays clairinet) and exposes her to many differing cultures and media. He is sending her to Marine Biology camp in Maine later this summer. The camp is like $1100 for a week! She is so excited!! And I am excited for her.


lives here. Too much to blog about on this one. Still schizophrenic, still on medication, doing well, and pregnant. I will leave that for another day blog.

Love to all.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

School's Out For Summer!! New post

Gosh, how time flies! All three girls graduated with honors!. Pint, is now going to high school, she will start 9th grade next year at age 13 and 25 days old. She graduated 8th grade with a 3.75 GPA. She had a wonderful year, made some friends, does not have a boyfriend (and I am so totally okay with that...) and is in LOVE with one of the boys from the band 1 Direction. She is the quintessential pre-teen, her room was papered (until last week) with Justin Beiber posters, now to be replaced with 1 Direction. She is funny, quirky, can sing well, and slightly pudgy as she has entered puberty, but not quite outgrown the belly fat that goes along with puberty. she is ready to enter a vertical growth spurt and anxiously awaiting that!! As soon as she does, look out! She is built. ARRRGH.  She is a bit scared about entering high school, and our school district has several programs where you can attend college (3 blocks away) at the same time = dual credit.  I entered her into the Middle College program, and her 9th grade advisor booted her up to the secondary education program. She is to take the ACT's in September, and will begin her college education in January. Okay. I am scared too. But, it's a small satellite college, and I will be taking her there, and waiting outside the class rooms each day. she is allowed to take two college classes per semester while attending high school, and the tuition is covered by the high school. She is in chorus. She cheered in 8th grade, but did not make the 9th grade team (all the skinny girls did though :)  Pint is having a few issues revolving around Mom, but we are working through them. She was the one that was exposed to Mom and Dad more, up to age 5.

3/4 Pint, is my awesome kid. She is so much like me, and not her mom LOL. Her mom is all about dressing for success, makeup and etc. 3/4 pulls her hair into a pony tail, puts on clothes that match, or not, and goes about her business. She is a tree hugger. She is all about saving the sharks from extinction. She LOVES bugs, reptiles, amphibians and sea creatures. She wants to graduate Marine Biology and build her own sea animal rescue center, and I believe she will!!  She graduated 5th grade with straight A's all year long. She worked hard, and achieved all her goals. She joined Band and plays Clarinet, she does so well at it that the school started giving her private lessons, and tells me she plays on the level of about a 4th year student (this was her first year). She LOVES playing the Clarinet! She still lives primarily with her dad, Cop, but sleeps at our house because he has to be at work at 5:30 a.m.  She see's her mom on the weekends, most of the time. She has a sort of small window of toleration for her mother LOL. Her mom is Nursey, and she is a great person, but very superficial and somewhat narcissistic. 3/4 is not tolerant of that. She wants to be left alone to dress the way she is comfortable, dig in dirt and play with bugs. She is hilarious.  I worried about her being with 1/2 Pint because they are 2 years apart and in the same grade. I worried that she would feel inadequate and have worked hard to make sure that didn't happen. So far, so good. 3/4 is so involved in science and biology that she just doesn't worry alot about what anyone thinks, or says, or does. I am quite proud of her. She has come a long way from the little 6 year old who had a nervous breakdown when Mommy divorced and moved her to the big city! She is the coolest kid!

My little 1/2 Pint. My baby who I have had since she was 3 days old. She is so very....incredible. She graduated 5th grade with all A's all year long except for one B. I told her "hey, ONE B?  really, and you are upset about that????  You are fantastic!!  Listen, you are going to school with kids 2 years older than you who are failing and you are mad cause you got ONE B? C'mon!!  LOL. She is sensitive, funny, dances, sings, plays flute in the band. She is better at Math than any other subject and just won a tournament on the last day of school for math. 1/2 doesn't go visit her mom very much, she usually has other plans. I leave it up to the girls as to whether or not they go, it's THEIR call, not mine, not their mom's.  1/2 is sort of ambivalent about the whole Mom thingy. I'm good with it either way. She will start 6th grade as a 10 year and 5 day old student. Wow is all I can say. She has decided (and for the record, I am not exactly for this) that she too will begin college courses in 9th grade, but SHE intends to graduate H.S and College at the same time with a BACHELORS degree in Psychology, at age 16, and then enter Med School. She has it all figured out. And, she will do it too. She is that motivated and disciplined. Her goal at the beginning of the school year was to get the highest score on the Ohio Achievement Test for fifth grade in her school, and to be in the Top Ten for the entire State of Ohio. Guess what? She did. At age 9. Fifth grade. It boggles my mind. Totally. I so do not push these girls. I just want happiness, wholeness and no drugs. But, this one? She pushes herself. I have had her working all year long with a psychologist to slow her down a bit, let her be a 'kid' and not just let her push herself. So, she integrated being a kid into her routine, and STILL managed to achieve all her goals. Yeah, that is really scarey!

I love my grandgirls. I am so proud of all they have accomplished. We live a normal life now, or whatever is close to that.  They don't even see a counselor regularly, they tell me when they need an appointment to talk to their therapist, and it is like, 4 times a year.

We are soon to have a new addition to our family. Baby, ...... is preggers. she is due in January, a New Year's Baby.  She is going to a clinic where they work with psychotic pregnant women. It's a great place, and yes, everyone, I am scared shitless. Baby is 23 years old, with Traumatic Brain Injury, no short term memory, permanent brain damage, a processing I.Q. of 70, a main I.Q. of 100, and having a baby in 6 1/2 months.  She is living with us, and has agreed to live her until the baby is at least a year old.

I have to teach her to do lots of things. It....sort of goes well, and then does not go well. If she is NOT on medication there is a 100% chance of a psychotic episode. If she IS on medication, there is a 50% chance of a repeat psychotic episode. She is on medication, but yeah. I told her, Sweetie, Daddy and I are NOT immortal, and we can't raise babies forever!!

But, as always, we will do what we must.'s NOT like the brochure. And, I wouldn't have it any other way!! <3

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Weirdest update in the world

I have been sort of putting this off. My life is bizarre enough, as one friend who is a published author states: “if your life was written as fiction, it would be 'bad fiction', and no one would read it. If it was written as an one would believe it.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

The babies are fine. Pint, who is now 12 and a half, is getting ready to graduate 8th grade with honors. She starts BOTH high school and college in August. She will be taking honors classes (advanced placement-or commonly known as either AP or college prep) classes, and will be taking ONE college class her freshman year at the high school, but taught by a professor at the local University, enrolled as a student in the University, and receive college credit for the class. Sophomore year, she gets to take TWO classes, then Junior and Senior year, she can carry a full load but has to actually drive (read me, she won't be old enough for even a permit, she will be 15) to the University itself to take her classes. It is called Dual Enrollment. She not only got bitten by the Booby fairy, it was a bit of MANIFICENT proportions!! She is in a growing stage that girls go through where they grow OUT instead of UP, and is now sort of 'dumpyish'. So, she is a normal teenager (almost) entering 9th grade who thinks she is ugly (she is not) and fat (she is a bit, but will outgrow it when she finally shoots up about 3 inches). She is moody, funny, smart, emotional and concerned for others. She see's her mother weekly, and except for the head games which she is handling well, doesn't really have any drama other than school drama.She finally (Thank you God) got her period, although, as a severe bleeder, this could be a problem for her, but she has only had one period so far, so the jury is out as to whether or not this will be an issue with her. (bleeding disorder + menstruation = very not good).

¾ Pint is almost 11 (this month) in fifth grade and also an honors student. She is leaning toward the sciences heavily and is most interested in Marine Biology. She is now over 5 feet tall and growing like a weed! The pediatrician says she will be over 6 ft tall, and NO, she does NOT like basketball!! She is so normal it is actually funny in our house. Her gastroparesis is well maintained and she is having no difficulty with her digestion at this time.

½ Pint continues to be a delight. She is 9, and also in 5th grade with her cousin, ¾ Pint. So far (knocking like crazy on wood) there are no issues there. They are both in the same class and both honors students. There is a tiny bit of competition between the two, God forbid if one gets an A and one gets an A- ! But, I think it is healthy competition, and we do not encourage it at all, it is strictly between them. Her life plans are totally ridiculous, but she has her entire life mapped out and is sticking to it. Her plan is to also attend dual enrollment, but where the more advanced kids graduate high school and college with an Associate's Degree, the little shit went and did research and found out that she could graduate simultaneously with a flipping Bachelors degree in Psychology, and Psychology is considered a pre-med acceptable degree. She figures if she graduates college and high school at the same time with Honors, she will get a full ride scholarship to the local Medical School (about an hour away) and will start Medical school at age 16 (she will turn 17 one week later). Then, she figures she can graduate Med school in 3 years, be in Residency by the time she is 19, and fully Board Certified in Anesthesiology by the time she turns 21.

I have her working with a Psychologist to try and slow her down a bit, have for the last two years, but so far, it isn't working! We are emphasizing social aspects of school, etc., but ½ Pint is a very self driven person who makes goals and sticks to them like glue.

We did set the two gifted ones up for failure, and that was a success. They both fell flat on their faces, and then had to learn to get back up and go on to succeed where they had previously failed. Pint had an absolutely horrid two years where her grades were pretty much in the toilet, a lot of C's and D's, one F. In 8th grade, she finally pulled her head out of her butt and buckled down. I think a big part of it was coming off the medication, she still has a bit of trouble focusing and remembering, but is slowly learning to compensate for that.

½ Pint got her first D last year, and you would have thought the world had ended! She had to learn to study....and to REMEMBER to study. A couple of times during the year she has bombed a test because she came home and there was something more fun to do, and I DID not remind her. So, then she went to school and was totally unprepared and flunked the test. Natural consequences won out, and now she comes home and announces “I HAVE A TEST, I HAVE TO STUDY BEFORE I PLAY!” lol.

Now the not fun part of the last um....couple of years.

Son, still on couch. Working. Helping out. Turning 27 this year.

Baby. You all remember the wreck in July 2009 where she broke her neck. We were so worried about the broken neck and recovery from that.

Her actions were a bit weird the first year, which we attributed to grief as she had lost her best friend since 6th grade in the wreck. At age 19, to have that happen, well that is pretty traumatic.

At the end of the first year, I started getting suspicious, and looking into Traumatic Brain Injury. I had her tested about a year ago, and we discovered that she had lost 25 points of I.Q. But was still in the high normal range (110) however, her processing I.Q. Was under 70, about the level of a 10 year old. Which translates to not really able to make good judgement decsions. Okay, so we got her enrolled in online University, She struggled a lot, I helped her with things like learning to use her iPhone to take notes about where she was supposed to be, what she was supposed to be doing, etc. She kept screwing up college, and I would have to straighten out all the financial aid and get her back in. She sort of moved from house to house, blew through her money from the wreck, and changed boyfriends the way the rest of us change socks.

As her behavior got more and more bizarre, she lost friends and felt abandoned. Her biological mother (remember, she is mine via painless birth from my DH's ex wife, I have had her since she was 2), accused her of being a junkie, everyone else in the family turned against her but DH and I. She lost all her friends from childhood.

She sought out those who could accept her behavior, and ended up in the druggie crowd. I tested her over and over, and she tested clean each time. Oh, not for pot, but I wasn't fussed about that truthfully.

She ended up with a boyfriend whom we didn't like, so she didn't come around much. I would get calls almost daily, with the most outlandish stories and screaming from her and BF on the other end of the phone. It was quite upsetting. This went on for about a year. He raped her, she was robbed, the house was broken into, she was beat up.....The stories got more and more outlandish.

I work on finding a Brain Rehab hospital for Baby to go to as an outpatient. I have by now realized that she has what is known as TBI, or Traumatic Brain Injury, and her behaviors are most likely linked to the TBI. I find one within an hour away, and we are working on getting her admitted so that she can begin brain rehab. We spend many hours sitting on the couch with her on my lap crying (which she does, at that point, constantly, for days at a time) begging me to put her somewhere. I am trying. She has been in counseling for the last year, which does not seem to be helping at all.

Segue to February.

DH went into the hospital in Cleveland at the big V.A. Hospital for a staff infection of the bad foot which is the reason (one of them) for his Disabled 100% Service Connected Veteran's status. He went into hospital on the 13th. Cleveland is 3 hours away, so my life got a bit hectic. Put kids on bus at 8, zip to cleveland, see DH for about a hour, then zip home to be there when kids got off bus.

Meanwhile, Baby gets a ticket in a neighboring state for possession of a minute amount of weed, apparently found on the floor of her car. BF gets arrested for a bowl with residue. Baby calls and tells me, and brings me the ticket.

She is to pay the ticket or report to court within 5 days.

I am back and forth to Cleveland. Taking kids to doctors, counselors etc.

I am standing outside the pediatrician's office with ½ Pint who is there for yet another tonsillitis infection when the phone rings with Baby's ringtone.

Hi honey, what's up.

Well, you're going to be disappointed, but I am sort of going to jail.


Well, I got sentenced for paraphernalia, BF had a syringe and told me to tell the cops it was mine since I had no record nothing would happen. I have to go to jail for 5 days.

When are you going to jail?

Hang on, I'll ask.....(gets quiet for a minute), um...Right now, bye, I love you!


Get done at pediatrician's office, go pick up scrips, take ½ Pint back to school, head home, look up on computer (thank God our system is online).

90 days jail, 85 suspended. Two years supervised probation. License suspended for 6 months. I call the jail about visitation etc. They say the first day to visit is Sunday, and she will be released Sunday morning at 9 a.m. So no point. This is Wednesday.

Phone rings, it is DH with a conference call with the Vascular and Orthopedic surgeons. They decide that they can do surgery on the femoral artery to restore complete circulation to the right leg and foot, AND then amputate the front part of the foot (where 90% of his pain is) all in the same surgerey. We both say yes, and the surgery is scheduled for Friday.

Thursday, I go up to see DH and fill him in on all the situation.
Friday, Mother in Law and I go up to Cleveland for the surgery which actually takes 13 hours. 11 ½ hours STRAIGHT on the actual operating table, under anesthetic. We are total basket cases. It was supposed to be a 3-4 hour surgery.

We spend the night at a hotel. Get up the next moring. Go to hospital. See DH who is doing well, in ICU but responding to time, place and person.

Segue again. DH has PTSD from the original accident which made him disabled. To put it succinctly, he was on a black ops mission for the US Army. They had to go behind the Iron Curtain (this was well before the end of the Berlin Wall) and extract someone who needed out for intelligence purposes. They did get the guy out safely, and were back in the non communist Germany when the original accident occurred.

Sooooo, we leave, as it is Saturday and I must be in hometown-ish Sunday morning to pick Baby up from jail.

Sunday morning arrives, I head out to pick Baby up from jail. She is a bit weird, telling me stories about how her BF broke into the jail the day before, and shot her full of heroin and crack, over and over. I am telling her how that is impossible, no one breaks into a jail. Her pupils are hugely dialated, but she has been in jail for five days and with me, so I am pretty sure she is drug free.

On the drive (2 more hours) her stories get wilder and wilder. I won't tell you all of them, but believe me when I tell you that she is REALLY out there.

We get to hospital (who by the way has been calling me every 20 mins or so saying WHEN CAN YOU GET HERE!!!!!) without telling me why. Finally, the last call, I tell them they MUST tell me what is wrong.

DH has flashbacked to the original wreck and the black ops mission.

He has ripped out all his I.V.'s, taken off all his bandages, is sitting in a recliner in the ICU completely naked and has the 8 wire heart monitor braided behind his back and is threatening to strangle anyone who comes near him.



I get to hospital, drag Baby, who has a death grip on my left arm and is now seeing cops everywhere and probation officers who don't exist, hearing voices that don't exist and seeing things that aren't there.

We walk into ICU to the sight of my naked and bleeding everywhere (11 incisions total for the surgery) sitting in a recliner in the cubicle of ICU, surrounded by six armed and weapons drawn federal police officers, behind them are four HUGE orderlies, behind them are about 16 ICU nurses and staff, and behind them are two psychiatrists with needles loaded full of halidol.

OMG. I look up to the Heavens and go “FUCKING REALLY GOD?” REALLY?

I start toward the, the cops tell me “you can't go in there!” I'm like, just get out of my way, and shoulder through them.

I walk in and go...

“DAVID! What the hell do you think you are doing?” He says, Who are you? I say, I am your wife! He says, NO, you are not my wife, my wife would have been here!


I walk over and he threatens to kill me. Weapons are still drawn. I stand in front of him and reach out to his face. He bats my hands away. I put them back and grab his face and look directly into his eyes. I am like,

Dave. It is NOT 1980. You are NOT in Germany. It is 2012. You got the guy out of Czechoslovakia safely. The mission is completed. You finished the mission. You were de-briefed. It is okay. You had surgery. You are confused and scared, but it is okay. I am here and I love you.

I turn around and tell everyone, PLEASE GO AWAY, HE WILL BE FINE IN A FEW MINUTES.

They, thankfully, do as I ask.

About a half hour later, I have talked him into letting the I.V.'s be put back in and the bandages back on.

He refuses to leave the recliner. I put Baby on the bed where she buries her face and talks to herself manically faster than an auctioneer could possibly talk. Whispering.

After about 4 hours, and DH is now resting comfortably, I call Nursey, the oldest who just happens to be a psychiatric nurse and tell her to get someone to watch the kids and come get her baby sister who is fully psychotic and have her committed. She comes. Gets Baby.

Baby spends a week in state mental hospital.

DH continues to recover and is discharged to home.

Baby gets discharged and is well regulated on medication.

Baby has schizophrenia.

I go to V.A. Where my prescriber tells me that the new policy is to take everyone off Xanax.


I go to my civilian doctor who just shakes his head and says, They certainly don't know what you go through in ONE day do they?

Bad Fiction or unbelievable non-fiction. For sure.

But, it is my life.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Fallout of monumental proportions

This gets very complicated, so bear with me.

Pint had a meltdown. Here is why, and also why I hate drugs.

Pint's dad, Loser. Had 2 kids to Pint's Mom, Calamity.

Then got hooked up with 2nd relationship,Trailer Trash. Had THREE more kids to TT. Girl, age 7, Boy age 5 and Girl, age 3.

Loser and TT have since lost custody of those three kids due to (you guessed it) addiction and multiple incarcerations.

Loser is now split up from TT and incarcerated BUT, before he became incarcerated, he hooked up with Red Honda Girl, and was running drugs from Texas to WV in the red honda. Oh, and they also became poly abusers, and are now CRACK addicts. AND, she is pregnant with yet ANOTHER baby in the family.

Meanwhile, Calamity went on after the divorce, to have ¼ Pint, who is now 4 ½ years old, but very small and basically has stunted growth.

Pint and ½ Pint both have a severe and rare form of a bleeding disorder called Von Willebrands, Type II M. The rarity of it is that with 7 BILLION people on the planet, less than 100 Million of them would have this type. That is about 1 ½ percent of the population.

¾ Pint has a gastrointestinal disease.

Segue for a second. Pint and ½ Pints OTHER grandparents live down the street from us. These are Loser's parents. Loser has a sister Desperate, who also had a kid, and (again, you guessed it) is also a junkie, involved with a junkie. The kid is 10 years old, a boy. And guess what? CPS took the kid away from the parents and gave him to the grandparents. So Pint and ½ Pint are growing up with their other cousin who lives down the street. Nice for them and we like it.

However, THAT being said, LL, the cousin was involved in a motor vehicle accident with his mother before he was removed and which resulted in head trauma. That led to a growth, a type of non cancerous tumor, which is great that it is non cancerous, but it is also GROWING and the Chemo isn't shrinking it. The tumor involves the optic nerves and the poor kid is now totally blind in one eye and going blind in the other. And, unless they can find a way to make the tumor shrink, (it is non-operable), the kid is going to die. There is only so much room inside a skull.

So we have Pint. She worries about ¼ Pint being so little, and Calamity not taking care of her. We have the other three, who are in the custody of CPS (and 6 hours away) and currently placed with TT's mother, about whom we know absolutely nothing. She worries constantly that they are in danger, that they don't know they have other sisters who love them, that they will not have good role models. We haven't told her yet and probably will NEVER tell her that RHG is pregnant with yet another addicted sibling of hers.

½ Pint, in addition to being born addicted to heroin, has a brain cyst along with the bleeding disease.

So there is Pint, the oldest. And she is worried about...
½ Pint and her brain cyst and what if it starts growing? (there is no way to drain it, it is in an unreachable part of the brain, we have already been told this).

¾ Pint, her cousin who also lives with us and cannot digest food, and what if her medication stops working? (a distinct possibility there is a family friend who has the same thing, is 34 years old and on her SECOND five organ transplant and is only 73 pounds. She will probably die from Gastroparesis before she is 40.

LL the other cousin, who has the brain tumor that is not shrinking and is going blind.

LL's grandparents (the girl's other grands) the Grandma who is an epileptic, the grandfather who is a recovering alcoholic.

The other sibs who she knows very little about except that they are probably in a bad situation and there is nothing she can do to 'be there for them', and they are little and she KNOWS what they are going through because SHE remembers. ½ Pint does not remember because I took her at 3 days. Pint, she remembers it all.

Then add in a grandfather who is totally disabled (my dear husband) a grandmother (that would be me) who smokes too much and is stressed a lot and has already had one heart attack (I didn't even realize she knew about that!!)

A Favorite Aunt (Baby) who was in a horrid car accident two years ago, her best friend was killed and the Aunt's neck was broken.

The only uncle, who has bad knee's at age 26.

Calamity who Pint has always worried about anway.

Oops, and I forgot...

¼ Pint the other baby sister, who Pint managed to figure out something somewhere is wrong, because her 4 ½ year old sister is the size of a 2 year old. They studied maternal nutrition in health class this year. She asked a few questions on babies born addicted. I think she figured out that ¼ Pint was born both addicted and mal-nutritioned. Additionally, she was mal-nutritioned until last year when I convinced Mom to TAKE AWAY THE CHOCOLATE MILK AND THE KID WOULD START EATING!!! Now ¼ Pint is growing.

Pint also worries that her sister isn't even in pre-school or learning how to read or count or anything.

So, the other night, all this came pouring out of her in bed, as her little 12 year old body is wracked with sobs of grief and horror.

So far, all I have been able to do is get her back to her counselor, have her into the school counselor, and call CPS downstate to see about sibling visitation for Pint and ½ Pint. I will file a petition for Sibling Visitation on behalf of Pint and ½ Pint. The state the other sibs are living in do not have laws about sibling visitation, however, the courts CAN decide to allow it, so we will try.

I would like to be able to do more. Pint of course, wanted us to take the kids. After I explained that we absolutely do not have the room to integrate three more children...She understood, but did not like it.

I did not say that I don't feel honestly I could take three more kids born addicted and with multiple issues and all still little. I am getting older, tireder and less um...even tempered.

But I did say that sometimes, foster care is the best thing that can happen to a child, that Pappy and I were foster parents to many kids throughout the years, some of whom we are still close too. And Pint knows this because she is close to their children as well. I said that even if the kids were removed from TT's mother's house, and put into foster care, that she, as the sister, would have some rights to continue visitation.

Do I hate junkies? You bet your ass I do. This all started with my daughter and her husband. And see what a fucking MESS it has turned into 12 years later? How many more people got pulled into the shit? How many more babies are born and involved in something they should never even be exposed too? How many health issues these poor children have and do we know that it is drug related? No, but then we don't know that it is NOT either do we?

And the counseling. How many YEARS of every week counseling have my poor girls had to go through just to be okay? Really, their entire childhood was spent with therapists.

Sure, it worked. Pint is a beautiful gifted child who is now a straight A/B student in 8th grade and only 12 years old. She will graduate at age 16.

½ Pint is vivacious delightful (although tiny) kid who is a straight A student, 9 years old and in 5th grade, she will also graduate at age 16.

They both see their mom weekly. They have no contact with their Dad. They have a relationship with their little sister ¼ Pint who spends the night with us regularly. They laugh, they have appropriate friendships and interactions with peers. They have typical teenage angst. They have problems which we work through,.

But really, do you actually wonder why I honestly hate their mother and father? I see the damage, and it just keeps going on and on.

Families are truly the REAL victims of drug abuse. And I hate it.

We will get through all of this. We will pray for LL and 3/4 Pint to be okay. We will pray for 1/2 Pint. We will pray for the other sibs. But damn! Really, none of this had to happen to any of them.