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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

cross addiction

After much run around with her boyfriend. ..turns out it's not heroin. Its alcohol. Had to tell Pint. She, nor I, took it well. First of course, the lies. As some of you may remember, Calamity was arrested when 1/4 Pint was age 2. For being passed out in side of road whilst baby in stoller was IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Yah. So anyway, the flakey behavior patterns etc escalated in the last year.

My feelings?  Rage. Betrayal.  Anger. Hurt. General pissed  last night, talking to Pint. she's all like, but Meemaw, you dont treat her very well. And besides, alcohol is easy to beat. WTF?  I tried to explain. Didn't go well.

I cried. I told her you think I dont care. I gave birth to her. I raised her. It kills me slowly inside. Like someone over the past 14 years is slowly slicing off pieces of my heart. Each time, I get less and less able to give love freely. She said Meemaw, you have to let the past go. I said I cannot. I live it every single day. I cannot escape it.

She said, you cant hold it against her. Everyone treats her different in the family.

I was like. Sweetheart. All I can do is try.

In my head, meanwhile, I am SCREAMING. How can you expect the family to just forget 14 years of financial, emotional and betrayal pain?

But, she loves her mother. And she wasnt the one that lived through that aspect. We did. I cant put that on her.

Meanwhile...we get 1/4 Pint 4 days a week when BF works. For the next month. They made up some lame story. 1/4 Pint is 6, but does not have the understanding that the older girls did at her age.

Im just sick. Spent all morning trying to find a meeting. No luck.  We live in nowhere's ville. Stopped into my fav bar. Lol. How fucking appropriate is that?

It is what it is. Fuckitall.

11 comments:

  1. Dawn, Despite all of your tough talk and I say that with love and care ;o) and sometimes even admiration, not judgement, your pain just oozes out of this post. It is spilling all over the place and I feel so awful for you. I am so sorry. Personally, I hate alcohol as much as I hate heroin. Its totally incapacitating and messy and ugly. It all is....but some hits me more than others.

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    1. Thanks Annette. I am just so disgusted....its just been too many years. I detached, but I can't get free. It is what it is.

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  2. Mine is digging the alcohol too and I hate it. I hate it all, sick of this shit. I have dealt with this for half as long as you and do not have children to raise from it. I don't know how you do it, I just can't imagine the pain you feel day in and day out dealing with everything. I am so sorry for you and the kids.

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    1. Tori, I had my suspicions 4 years ago. But having (I thought) successfully detached... I just left it go. It was HER problem. Now, again, because of the girls, it is my problem. At least the fallout. AA or NA or NO-ONE-A has an answer for this issue! If I had the energy, which I do NOT, having 3 girls almost teens (well, pint is a teen-with a vengeance LOL) a schizophrenic 24 year old and her 6 month old baby, I am lucky to get out of bed. I am just......there isn't even a word invented! If I had a gun and she was in front of me right now, I wouldn't hesitate. Yah. Its that bad. I hate feeling this way, thank God for you guys, who actually GET THIS INSANITY. I couldn't make it without you guys. Now...to go make room for a 6 year old.....step. Breathe. Step. Breathe. Repeat...

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  3. I'm sorry, Dawn. and I agree with what Annette says. (hugs) - I've also experienced my Addict treating alcohol like an acceptable addiction since it's not heroin... And the phenomena of taking the high road through mentally clenched teeth when the babies question us based on the addict's viewpoint. Addiction is hard enough to "explain" to children. Sigh... And walking on eggshells while carrying the weight of the world as you do is not sustainable for mere mortals. I am worried about you.

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    1. I am worried about me too. Way edging orried. Green Day keeps going through my head....

      I walk this empty street
      On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
      When the city sleeps
      And I'm the only one and I walk alone

      I walk alone
      I walk alone
      I walk alone
      I walk a...

      My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
      My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
      Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
      'til then I walk alone

      Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,
      Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

      I'm walking down the line
      That divides me somewhere in my mind
      On the border line
      Of the edge and where I walk alone

      Read between the lines
      What's fucked up and everything's alright
      Check my vital signs
      To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

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  4. We do know your pain - We've all experienced the pain of addiction and been hurt by it and it is hard to trust again.
    We take it personally......pretty hard not to if you ask me.
    My son always went from drugs to alcohol and told me to accept it. He would dive head on into alcohol.......never a good out come. Maybe some people can have a drink here and there and be okay but, many addicts exchange one addiction for another.
    You've got so much on your plate Dawn - Don't forget to take care of YOU too. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.......

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    1. Thanks. It never does go away...and yeah. We do take it personally. I am about done. I am that close to calling Dr. Phil. Fuck it. Its time the parents had a voice.

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  5. The bad part of all this is that it NEVER goes away completely. As soon as you think you can let your guard down half an inch, bam, here comes the blow. It does not get easier, ever. It's a cancer that can't be treated. Maybe for a little while, but never for long. I understand your pain well. Try to take an hour, a minute, hell a second, at a time. Don't forget to be good to yourself. You are a hero with a heart of gold. Just don't ever forget that, girlfriend. I have got you in my prayers...

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    1. Its like I just replied to Dawn above. I'm sick and tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of 'HAVING TO SCHEDULE TAKING CAEE OF MYSELF!' Why the HELL kind of life is this that I was drug (pardon the pun) unwillingly into? WTF? I did NOT DO THIS. Thank all of you. It means so much...you don't even know.

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