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Monday, April 8, 2013

14 years later....still. I fucking HATE heroin. and Junkies.


so....this is what it is like to raise the children of two addicts, one of whom is my daughter. Yah. I took custody of her first two children away from her. The oldest is now 13 ½.

This is not pretty. For all of you parents out there who are busy trying to save your children from heroin use, you should probably not read this. If your children have CHILDREN, you probably should.

OMG. I have a 13 ½ year old girl, and a 10 ½ year old girl. I am58 years old. Both girls parents were heroin addicts.

The oldest, in the last two days has...

threatened to cut herself

threatened suicide

threatened to leave

cried hysterically because she remembers walking upstairs when her dad and mom were still living with us and seeing her dad have sex with another woman. In our house.

Told me of the memory of her mother prostituting herself for herion.

Told me of the memory of her mother, and her father, shooting up.

Told me of the memory of finding needles in her mother's purse. (thank GOD she didn't touch them, Mom and Dad BOTH have hep c.)

I could go on and on and on.

My babies are train wrecks because of the selfish stupid actions of their parents.

I have had them in counseling since they were babies AND THEY ARE STILL TRAIN WRECKS.

Heroin DESTROYS families. Heroin DESTROYS children.

14 years later, heroin is still destroying ME. And Pint.

Is it because we havent forgiven? No. We have.

Is it because we haven't given chances? No. We have.

I am closer to a nervous breakdown over the effects of heroin 13 years later than I was when I found out my daughter was a junkie. I am closer to a nervous breakdown because of what it did to HER CHILDREN than what it did to HER.

I thought it was bad enough, what heroin did to her.

I was wrong.

What heroin does to the children of addicts, NO MATTER HOW SOON YOU GET THEM, it lasts a lifetime. It hurts.

A Junkie wrote me an email recently. She was using. Wanted to know if she should tell her parents or not. It took me a week to decide to answer. Finally, I did.

I said “ if you want to be clean, check yourself into a rehab and THEN, after you are clean tell your parents. If you don't want to be clean, please overdose and kill yourself quickly. It will be much easier on your family in the long run.”

Yah, she replied. She said “I am very sorry to have bothered you, I can see you don't like people like me.”

I wrote back. I told her, it's not that I don't. It's that my daughter is one. And then I told her of the unending pain. The betrayal. The hurt. The damage.

She wrote back, about a week later. She said thank you for the second letter, but she also said that the words of the first letter haunted her all week long. That I would be so honest and brutal about the effects of heroin. That I would say, either get clean yourself, or overdose and die quickly haunted her through the week.

She detoxed. On her own. I am very proud of her. I hope she makes it. I was honest about my feelings, just like I am on here.

I hate heroin. I hate junkies. I hate what they both do to families. It's my blog. I am allowed.


8 comments:

  1. i wish you lived close by... think of you guys and keeping you all in my prayers <3

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    1. Thank you Cherine. And you are in.mine! <3

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  2. My heart breaks for you and pint - My heart breaks for all families that go thru addiction. It's hell on everyone involved. Your plate has been overflowing for a long time Dawn and pint is at that awful age with hormones and all and her plate too is overflowing. You two need an overnight away from everyone and everything else - just to laugh and have fun - do whatever you two like. Anyway that can happen?? I'm so sorry you and pint are hurting....I wish I could take it away! HUGS -

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    1. We did! Took her to see her favorite boyband in Cleveland. Two nights. Me and her and her Bestie!

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  3. I can only understand how hard it was to deal with my son and Heroin. I have never had to deal with half of what you have and no babies to raise.

    I would've been at my breaking point long before.

    I feel bad for you and for the kids, but to be honest mostly for you. You have performed and amazing balancing act with everything you have had to deal with, please do something for yourself. Even if it is just a couple of hours....

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  4. This was painful to read...it actually made me cry. I don't know how you do it. I do know that my 13 year old has not been doing well either. I am hoping some of it is just the age and hormones but deep down I know she has also been affected by addiction. I wrote my post today before I even saw this...strange.

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  5. Can I ask you a question? You certainly don't have to answer but how does your daughter still have custody of 1/4 pint? I would just think that dyfs would have her on radar because she lost custody of her first two children? Do they think addicts magically clean up and go on to raise children in a happy healthy home?

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