what it's like 11 years later

Well, sort of an update?

My addict daughter. Is now on methadone, has been since she was 4 months pregnant with the baby who will be 3 in February.

She lives in a dumpy trailer, on HUD. She gets reimbursed by our county for her mileage to and from the MMT center (45 miles each way) seven days a week.

She doesn't need welfare as the mileage reimbursement is sufficient to pay her bills. It is about 6-800 per month. She supplements this by cleaning houses and tutoring students in math.

The baby is doing well developmentally, totally normal. (she was born addicted). She is very small, imagine a 3 year old who JUST broke the 20# milestone.

My daughter's decisions are still faulty. She still makes really weird, disconnected and bad decisions. Like, she ran off the road using a friends car, ran up into someone's yard, took out a number of trees, and left the scene of the accident.

Junkie thinking.

Her ex-boyfriend (baby's father) who is still using was still living with her, stealing from her and using drugs in the home. She called in a whatever they call it when someone is a danger to themselves or others, and he was arrested on outstanding warrants. (he was living with his sister, another junkie at the time). She takes the baby to visit him in jail.

Junkie thinking.

She goes all week without contacting her children at all, and then texts me to see how to cook broccoli in the microwave. She is 30 years old.

Junkie brain. Full of great big old swiss cheese holes.

She has called me in the middle of a counseling appt for the girls to ask how to fry pork chops and I have to lead her through it LITERALLY step by step. The counselor just sits and looks at me with total and complete disgust on her face.

She has gone through about $5,000 that she has saved up off and on during the past 3 years. She still has no car, although she has had the money saved TWICE, and says....that the ex stole it, or that she loaned it to him a couple of hundred at a time...till it was gone.

She still takes no responsibility for her actions. It is always still SOMEONE else's fault.

It's my fault the baby is behind on her shots, or doesn't get to the dr because I won't come get her and give her a ride.

It's WELFARE's fault if her reimbursment check doesn't come, not HER fault because she didn't turn in the paperwork or did it wrong.

It's MY fault that she has no relationship with her children, not hers. It's MY fault because I tricked her. Has nothing to do with the fact that she goes weeks without a phone call, or text to them. It's MY fault that she doesn't get to see them when she and the baby are busy puking their guts out with the flu and I won't let them go.

It's MY fault when the baby runs out of diapers and I won't drive the 10 miles to loan her money and take her to the store to get diapers. (potty train the baby?)

The girls are okay. They have their ups and downs. Lately, since I have allowed weekly visitations unsupervised for 4 hours, alot of downs.

She is almost always late getting them, if she shows up at all.She is ALWAYS late bringing them back or I have to go get them.

Last week, after having them from 12:30 till 5, she took them to a local playground at 4:30 and so they were angry at ME when I picked them up at 5 since they didn't get much time to play.

That is pure and total manipulation. She could have taken them right after lunch, at 1:30 and had three hours to play. But she CHOSE to take them right before I would get there, then texted me to say "Pick them up at playground".

That pisses me off.

It angers me when they sit and wait for the 11 am hour to come around because Mommy will be picking them up, and then they wait, and wait, and wait...and text and text and text and then Mommy shows up at 1 or 1:30. It hurts me to see the pain they go through and I cannot stop it.

Still, they must learn that THIS is what their mother is now.

The oldest one went through a hellish period two weeks ago. Her father, recently released from prison to take custody of his THREE other children when their mother was raped and beat half to death IN FRONT OF THEM (they are 2, 3 and 5) over a bad drug deal...anyway, he came up and visited HIS parents who live four houses down from us.

HIS parents have custody of the girls cousin, the son of their father's sister, who is also a heroin addict.

They were playing with their cousin who said "uncle J**** was up visiting last week.

The oldest grands little face just fell. The littlest one didn't make the connection, her dad went to prison when she was 2 months old. But the oldest one? She knew that her father was only four houses away and didn't even bother to pick up the phone.

and yes, they have contact with the other grandparents.

And all I could do was hold her and tell her that YOU CANNOT COUNT ON A HEROIN ADDICT FOR ANYTHING AT ALL, EVER.

I cannot make it better for them. I cannot stop the pain for them. I can only try to mitigate the hurt.

And, it's very hard.

I hate them both for what they have done to two very wonderful children. I hate them for the disappointments that they give to their own flesh and blood. I hate them for two babies born addicted to heroin.

Oh, and we all had, and thankfully survived H1N1 although I am still (one month later) recovering from the resulting pneumonia.

Blessings.