She was over today

Out of the blue. I had just finished my day off, cleaning LOL. As is usual. I had set down at the table for a good read. The two little kids were playing down in the playroom, the nine year old sitting quietly strumming on her sister's guitar.

The car pulled up in front. Her friend's car.

She and the baby, who is two today come in.

She sat at the table. Nodding.

The nine year old looks over at me.

I shrug.

She shrugs.

The phone rings. It's a friend of the nine year old. They have made a play date. DH takes her to the friends house.

The baby runs around playing with her sister and cousin. They go upstairs to play in the bedroom.

My daughter sits at the table, nodding, then talking, then nodding.

I tell myself I am not going to look at her eyes.

I do anyway.

Her pupils are not pinned.

DH says she tells him she is not sleeping well.

While they are gone going to the play date I start to get up and say I have to switch loads of laundry and fold clothes.

Then I remember I cannot do that.

1. My purse is here.

2. Her dad is an insulin dependent diabetic and I have a cupboard full of nice new sharp needles. Several hundred of them.

I sit at the table watching her nod off and on and listening to the children play.

DH comes back from delivering the oldest to her play date.

Now that he is back, I can go downstairs and finish the laundry. So, I do.

I come back upstairs, she is still nodding.

DH says, "it's 3:35. Don't you have to pick up B at work?"

She comes alive, says Oh, yeah. Gets baby, gets coat etc and shoes put on.

Leaves.

What a weird life we all lead.

I did not ask her. I did not ask her to lift her long sleeves.

What would be the point, really. She is going to a methadone clinic. She is 29 years old now.

She would deny it. She would say about how she passes all her piss tests. She would say how she is really tired, is all it is.

I have heard those excuses before. Perhaps that is all it is? Perhaps not.

Like I said before, her sobriety, or lack thereof is not in my control, or that of her daughters.

Happy 2nd Birthday wonder baby, who spent the first 3 weeks of your little life in NICU being weaned off methadone. Who at age two is so tiny that she wears 9 month old clothes.