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Sunday, April 10, 2011

Still angry, after all these years?

Why?  I no longer enable. I have detached. I have been through grief counseling. I can speak civilly to my daughter. We still see each other. I allow the kids to have a relationship with her even though she undermines it behind my back, and that is difficult because she only gets supervised visits with me in the room.

I guess I just see the damage still, on a daily basis. I see the trouble her little sister is having in life. The little sister was just starting 7th grade when her favorite big sister, the one she idolized, became a heroin addict. I still see trust issues in her baby sister's life,  even though she is now an adult. I see problems in her relationships that I can directly tie to her sister's addiction.

I see the babies and the medical issues they go through. I see the rage. I see the pain. I see the 'acting out' that they do after a visit with their mother.

I see the confusion on Pint's face when Mom nods off. Mom swears to us she doesn't use (I don't even ask, but she tells the kids), yet she nods off when she is here.

I see the disappointment, when, like yesterday, Mom was supposed to be here with 1/4 Pint by 1 p.m. but didn't show up till almost 5. So the kids live in a 'stress mode' until Mom actually gets here. And no, I do NOT tell them what time she is expected, but Mom texts them and tells them.

Hard not to remember all the pain when you face it on a minute by minute basis. When the other kids are wanting to stop by and they have to text first and say "who's there", and I reply "Calamity and the kids" and they reply, "Nvrmnd". So they don't get to see their little nieces because they can't stand their sister.

She talks loud. She gets hysterical sometimes. She walks around talking to whomever will listen telling them how horrible it is that no matter how good she is I don't lover her.

I really wish I could just never see her again. But, since she has my other granddaughter, I have to keep her in my life so that I can see 1/4 Pint.

And, every time I see her, it opens the Pandora's Box of the past. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder, but since I don't have absence, I wouldn't know?

Would her apologizing really mean anything? Probably not, truthfully. I wouldn't believe it was sincere. But the thing is, she doens't even acknowledge all the pain she put the family through. I guess I am at least waiting for that somehow.

When she speaks  of the past, it is STILL someone else's fault she used. Usually mine. I have to ask, if it was REALLY my fault, why aren't the other four addicts?

She tells her younger sister how horrible it is, how I ruined her life, how it is my fault she got married (I wouldn't let her and boyfriend live together in our home without marriage, I did have a 12 year old girl in the home and a 16 year old boy, and I didn't want to 'lower the expectation bar' for them by making it "okay" to have your boyfriend live with you in your parents house....) and that if she had not been 'forced' into marriage by us, then she would have left the idiot instead of using.

I just don't see it personally. To me, it is still excuse making and indicative of her refusal to acknowledge that she is truly an addict, or to take responsibility for her actions/addiction. She is still looking for someone to blame for it all, and there I am, the perfect villain for the story of her life.

And yet, after all the past 12 years, just typing this sent me into a massive panic attack. How am I supposed to close, when I am forced to live in it every day?


  1. What a profound question you ask, "How am I supposed to close, when I am forced to live in it every day?" I don't know the answer, my friend. You have done all the right things for yourself and for the children; including not pushing Calamity out of your life because of 1/4 pint. I don't know what else you can do.

    I'm not sure of your faith and beliefs; but I was listening to a sermon on television this morning (channel surfing and I stopped there) and he said, quoting the bible, "you have to believe that you have already received what you are praying for, when you pray for it; and then you will have it all." It meant something to me, because I often find myself praying for the future. I just thought I'd share this with you because it is your reality now that requires faith and hope (not for Calamity but for you and the children). Sorry, I don't mean to be is not really my style.

    I continue to be amazed at the life you lead (in a most positive way). I don't know anyone that would take on what you have taken on in such a strong and assertive manner. You have made it your mission to give the children the best environment possible; and for that you are truly blessed.

    Hang in there, it seems you are struggling more lately. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

  2. @Lisa. thank you. you are quite correct. I am struggling very much. I feel like I am going completely insane.

  3. I feel the SAME way about my mother. She constantly blames other people for her actions. She is constantly putting my dad down and wondering why he got custody of me when I was 3. When I bring up the idea that maybe the court system thought it would not be best to place a child with a drug addict she goes ballistic. Honestly, I think she WANTS to be a victim. I don't think she would really be happy with our relationship unless she was always allowed to be the victim. This is why we haven't talked since December.

  4. You know Sydney. I say the FIRST thing addicts do is use. The SECOND thing they do is become immediate and lifelong converts to the new religion of "Victimology". Your mom and my daughter, and probably the vast majority of addicts are proponents of that religion. Nothing is EVER their fault. Nothing.

  5. i have only been in this shitstorm for 5 yrs and i see that it isn't going to end anytime, if ever, soon. i go to meetings, read literature, pray, journal, etc. and yet deep down i realize that b/c i'm his mother i will never be truly ok until he is well. i can carry on but i am not me anymore. i'm also beginning to think that there are certain personality types that cannot accept responsibility. i know recovered addicts that do and have assumed all the consequences of their actions but i believe there is a segment of them that just cannot assume responsibilty for their actions. my son falls into that category. i feel for you and identify with everything you've written.

  6. Dear Anonymous. Please see most recent post. It is my answer to you (:

  7. I know a couple of people who are not addicts who blame everything on everyone else and after hearing it all the time from my son I have little patience for other people.

    I used to have a lot more patience and considering I think I still do. But I have little tolerance for the pity party or blame game which usually goes hand in had. Especially on adults.

    I don't know how you do it. I am lucky that I do not have granchildren to take care of. Shoot where is the wood let me knock. I highly doubt that I would be able to have any converstation with my son. All my energy would be on those children as yours is.

    I just wish I could hug you. Those grandchildren are damn lucky to have you.