Total Pageviews

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I am a nasty tough old Bitch.

Okay. I think I am supposed to feel guilty, only I don't.

Calamity came over today to drop of 1/4 Pint to visit with her sisters and spend the night.  My sister had sent me some pictures of the kids when they were little. Our pics were destroyed in the flood of, crap, I don't even remember the year. A few years ago anyway, like maybe 9 years ago. So, there was a pic of Calamity when she was 2, with her 'big niney' (which went on her honeymoon with her, went to college, and she still has the rements of, reduced to flayed and semi-demolished status).  I thought she would like to have the pic, so I showed it to her.

She sat there looking at the pics, and then started crying and said "can I please have some of these, I like to remember when you used to love me".

Yeah. For real.

Then, it was, I don't know why you don't love me anymore. I wish we could have that relationship we used to have. She cried, I left the room.

Just in case anyone thinks I have grown a heart, and changed. No.

Can I erase the damage she has done in the past 12 years to the whole family? No. Can I forget the pain? Nope. Can I forgive her for any of it. I don't honestly know the answer to that. I have tried. But I am still not there. I tolerate her, but that's about it. I allow her contact with her kids.

I have an 11 year old who is hormonal and suicidal. Who had a meltdown this week, who has daily flashbacks to her parents shooting up in front of her. Of trying to wake up junkies who are passed out because her little sister is crying and she doesn't know what to do. I have another one  who has to have ANOTHER MRI and CT Scan for the cyst she has in her brain-maybe from her being pregnant and using, maybe not. I have one of them having rage episodes from not being able to close a crises because of the drug use. I have one of them constantly worrying that she has three half siblings on her Dad's side that she worries about because Dad is still using, and doing it in front of a  5, 4 and 2 year old. She also worries about the 4 year old on her Mom's side that Mom still has because we STILL see Mom nodding off and she worries that Mom will nod off when they are at Mom's house with just Mom and the 4 year old and a 4 year old will be unsupervised and it scares the HELL out of my granddaughter.

Forgive and go back to when we still loved each other and laughed and were supportive. No, you fucked that all up. And still, WE are the one's holding the bag. WE are the ones with the fallout. WE are the ones still paying the price, day by day, second by second. You want to cry because you lost custody of 2 of your kids? I probably saved their lives.

You want forgiveness? Then at least have the balls to come up and say "You know what? I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I am sorry for the stealing, the lies, the disappointment, the money you paid to save me, the drugs and drug dealers I brought into your home and around my baby sister and brother, and around my children. I am sorry that I put my loving family through all of that hell for over 10 years.

Now, you think because you are on methadone for 4 years that everything is good? It's not. You have been on methadone two other times, and used again. You have been through a total of 11 rehabs including the methadone. We have done everything we can for you and now you are sorry we don't love you?

Is she a person who deserves another chance? Of course. But I don't have to be the one to give it to her. Does she have worth in society? Of course, but not in my house. Can she turn her life around? Certainly, but she can do it on her own. She involved us in enough of her life.

It is sad. Yes, you are right. But before you judge me, remember I had four other children to take care of, and now three grandchildren who are affected by her stupid and idiotic heroin addiction. I held one kid from birth as she went through withdrawals. I remember ALL OF IT. Calamity doesn't remember it, she was too stoned. But I remember.


  1. I don't judge you, I have the utmost respect for you. I feel exactly the same. I was told that I could never ask for an apology from my daughter if I ever wanted to have a relationship with her. I am waiting for her to contact me. It's been three years. All I can do is wait. I love her, but does she love me? I seriously believe that drug addicts don't even love themselves, much less anyone else. Can it change? I don't know. I am waiting to see. Last time I contacted her it was a disaster, literally. Now I am scared and I feel it's her turn if she loves her mother. You are a remarkable women.

  2. I have not walked in your shoes and I certainly cannot judge the decisions you have made. What I do see is that you have taken in the kids, given them a home, loved them, fed them and done your best to care for and protect them.

    You have every right...EVERY RIGHT ... to manage your life and your feelings in the way that you see fit. You have most certainly earned that!

  3. My husband is an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in 20 years. He is still an alcoholic and always will be.

    For the longest time he would spout his "anger" and blame "it" all on others. I finally had enough. I told him, that "clean and sober", even for 16 years, which at the time it was, didn't make him a pompous saint, it only made him a pompous ass, and if he didn't realize and recognize what alcoholism was, and started making amends, and correct his own behaviors and ways of thinking...putting the blame and behavior on the one it strictly belongs on, ....... It made him a dry drunk. A drunk none the less, just a pathetic dry drunk.

    I think I may have hit a nerve. Now..four more years sober, and the mind, attitude, and way of thinking seems to be making great progress. His family, children, are slowly learning that he is working on his own recovery, and I back in love with the man I vowed my allegiance and love to, those many years ago.

    It can happen, but unfortunately, it doesn't happen often enough.

    You have every validation on every point, you mentioned in this point. You can ONLY do what you can do. What you have done for these children is admirable and commendable. However, you do not have to condone behavior that does not show a willingness to work and accept responsibility.

    Your doing a good and tough job.
    Blessings on you and yours.


  4. Dear JM. Thank you so much. I needed that!! Dawn