Okay. I think I am supposed to feel guilty, only I don't.
Calamity came over today to drop of 1/4 Pint to visit with her sisters and spend the night. My sister had sent me some pictures of the kids when they were little. Our pics were destroyed in the flood of, crap, I don't even remember the year. A few years ago anyway, like maybe 9 years ago. So, there was a pic of Calamity when she was 2, with her 'big niney' (which went on her honeymoon with her, went to college, and she still has the rements of, reduced to flayed and semi-demolished status). I thought she would like to have the pic, so I showed it to her.
She sat there looking at the pics, and then started crying and said "can I please have some of these, I like to remember when you used to love me".
Yeah. For real.
Then, it was, I don't know why you don't love me anymore. I wish we could have that relationship we used to have. She cried, I left the room.
Just in case anyone thinks I have grown a heart, and changed. No.
Can I erase the damage she has done in the past 12 years to the whole family? No. Can I forget the pain? Nope. Can I forgive her for any of it. I don't honestly know the answer to that. I have tried. But I am still not there. I tolerate her, but that's about it. I allow her contact with her kids.
I have an 11 year old who is hormonal and suicidal. Who had a meltdown this week, who has daily flashbacks to her parents shooting up in front of her. Of trying to wake up junkies who are passed out because her little sister is crying and she doesn't know what to do. I have another one who has to have ANOTHER MRI and CT Scan for the cyst she has in her brain-maybe from her being pregnant and using, maybe not. I have one of them having rage episodes from not being able to close a crises because of the drug use. I have one of them constantly worrying that she has three half siblings on her Dad's side that she worries about because Dad is still using, and doing it in front of a 5, 4 and 2 year old. She also worries about the 4 year old on her Mom's side that Mom still has because we STILL see Mom nodding off and she worries that Mom will nod off when they are at Mom's house with just Mom and the 4 year old and a 4 year old will be unsupervised and it scares the HELL out of my granddaughter.
Forgive and go back to when we still loved each other and laughed and were supportive. No, you fucked that all up. And still, WE are the one's holding the bag. WE are the ones with the fallout. WE are the ones still paying the price, day by day, second by second. You want to cry because you lost custody of 2 of your kids? I probably saved their lives.
You want forgiveness? Then at least have the balls to come up and say "You know what? I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I am sorry for the stealing, the lies, the disappointment, the money you paid to save me, the drugs and drug dealers I brought into your home and around my baby sister and brother, and around my children. I am sorry that I put my loving family through all of that hell for over 10 years.
Now, you think because you are on methadone for 4 years that everything is good? It's not. You have been on methadone two other times, and used again. You have been through a total of 11 rehabs including the methadone. We have done everything we can for you and now you are sorry we don't love you?
Is she a person who deserves another chance? Of course. But I don't have to be the one to give it to her. Does she have worth in society? Of course, but not in my house. Can she turn her life around? Certainly, but she can do it on her own. She involved us in enough of her life.
It is sad. Yes, you are right. But before you judge me, remember I had four other children to take care of, and now three grandchildren who are affected by her stupid and idiotic heroin addiction. I held one kid from birth as she went through withdrawals. I remember ALL OF IT. Calamity doesn't remember it, she was too stoned. But I remember.