Regarding my last post, linking to Can You Accept The Truth , Her Big Sad left a comment. Her comment inspired this post. But, this post is not directed at her. It is a rant.
I do see the point. However, when a parent first finds out their child is a heroin or opiate addict, everyone SURROUNDS them with kindness. At least that was my experience. Friends hug you, at least the ones you tell. The community here surrounds you with cyber hugs and tells you you are not alone in this walk.
Everyone talks about what programs are best, what clinics work and don't work, what interventionists are the best, how much they cost, etc.
Not too many people out here in cyber land just simply say, you can't win against heroin. Heroin always beats out families. you cannot help your son/daughter. all you can do is minimize the damage.
Our kids get arrested. I read posts about how unfair this is. How our poor babies are locked up with "criminals!!" and not even offered any help at all.
Who says, well it's because they broke the law and they are criminals. You think you feel any different that a mother or father who's child is locked up for manslaughter because the kid drove drunk and killed someone? That kid is really sorry, about 2 seconds after they sober up. They will continue to be sorry the rest of their lives. And they will continue to think they don't deserve to be locked up for ONE LITTLE MISTAKE. And so will their parents.
We don't all see things from the same perspective. We know that. There are so many of us out there now.
Can You Accept The Truth has some very valid points. Once of his posts starts out "you will read this and not believe it...."
How true is that? We ALL did that. We do not, did not, wish we didn't have to, accept the truth.
For 11 years now, I have been saying a variation on a theme. Stop enabling your children with love. Give up hope. Turn your hope over to God and let Him deal with it.
I have said "your child is dead. They may be still walking and talking, but YOUR CHILD is DEAD."
And, no one wants to believe that. I have strongly advocated for parents to immediately seek out grief counseling to grieve for your dreams that will never happen.
I have said, kick the kid to the curb. It is the KINDEST thing you can do for him/her. Make them go hungry, make them be unable to bathe, make them stand on a street corner and beg for money to buy heroin to shoot in their veins. Make them prostitute. Take away your love, take away their comfort, take away your implied PERMISSION for them to continue to be a f'n addict.
Because every single time you feel sorry for them and give them a ride, feed them, call them, reassure them of your love, give them a hand up, or a hand out, you are, in fact, enabling them.
You really don't have to like the facts. You don't even have to accept them, or agree with them. But your denial doesn't change the facts.
You can send them to rehab. It might even work. There are always cases that stand out.
But truthfully, until you have actively stopped every single iota of support from you, emotional, physical, financial and otherwise, your addict is going to have the feeling that you are always going to be there. They will NOT HAVE CONSEQUENCES for their actions. The strongest consequence an addict can face is loss of family. You can still love them, from a distance. But until an addict has lost everything, EVERYTHING they have, and sometimes even that won't work, an addict will not hit the elusive "bottom" that we all pray our addicts hit. Or they will not have that AHA moment that other parents think is the catalyst for change. Whatever you call it, bottom, eye opener, catalyst, AHA moment, it will not be reached until all hope is gone for the addict.
So kindness? It doesn't happen in my world. The kindest thing I ever did for my daughter was turn my back on her completely, and take her kids away. She isn't clean, she is on methadone. But by my doing that, kicking her out when she was pregnant with MY GRANDCHILD, she was either going to die painfully or get her shit together. At that point, I didn't care either way.
Harsh? Yeppers. You all know me, and you know I can be in your face harsh.
Someone spoke of those homeless addicts who's families have abandoned them. And that they didn't need to.
Really? And the addict didn't need to keep using. The addict was given a choice in just about every circumstance. Clean up or get out. They CHOSE to continue to use. Disease or not. They chose to not get or accept help. Now, they are homeless. THEY gave up their family.
Where do you draw the line? Only you know. All of us will spend thousands of dollars first. It's just what we, as parents do. We all walk the same walk, at different times.
Those of us at the end of the walk, after YEARS of tears and heartbreak and financial ruin think differently than those of us who have just started the walk.
Yes, we are harsh. The addict gave us that.
Do I feel bad when an addict dies. Yes. I feel for the family left behind. Do I feel bad for the addict? No. I don't. And I won't either. Every single addict knows that every single time they hit up could be the last. And they just simply do not care.
Harsh is now my middle name. If you don't like the truth, don't read it.