How did I get it? I think I just got tired of dealing with all the crap over the last 11 years.
The process was slow and continuing.
First, you try to save your child.
Then, you try to HELP your child.
Then, you try to rehab your child.
Next, you try to show them how they COULD live if only they would choose to.
After about 7 years on the yoyo of rehab, relapse, rehab, jail, relapse,...
You just simply stop investing emotionally in their recovery, or lack thereof.
Then, finally, you reach a point where you allow them back in your lives, but only on YOUR terms, and you don't even bother to let them know what the terms are. They just ARE, in your mind. When they are violated, you simply say "it's time for you to leave.:
when they show up stoned, you say "you are high" and close the door.
you take their calls and if you hear "it" in their voice, you hang up.
Pretty soon, it just stops bothering you. It is what it is. They are still your child, but you no longer like them or want to be around them.
you let go of the guilt.
You call them or text them on their birthdays and say Happy Birthday, We love you. and let it go at that. When they whine and say "NONE of my siblings called me" you allow a very pregnant silence on your end and change the subject.
You stop trying to explain anyone's behavior, including your own reactions or behavior to the addict.
Mostly, you just get tired of dealing with it and decide to go on with YOUR lives and let the addict do whatever, because you realize in all you have done, you have not affected the addiction, or the child one damn bit.