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Sunday, February 1, 2009

She was over today

Out of the blue. I had just finished my day off, cleaning LOL. As is usual. I had set down at the table for a good read. The two little kids were playing down in the playroom, the nine year old sitting quietly strumming on her sister's guitar.

The car pulled up in front. Her friend's car.

She and the baby, who is two today come in.

She sat at the table. Nodding.

The nine year old looks over at me.

I shrug.

She shrugs.

The phone rings. It's a friend of the nine year old. They have made a play date. DH takes her to the friends house.

The baby runs around playing with her sister and cousin. They go upstairs to play in the bedroom.

My daughter sits at the table, nodding, then talking, then nodding.

I tell myself I am not going to look at her eyes.

I do anyway.

Her pupils are not pinned.

DH says she tells him she is not sleeping well.

While they are gone going to the play date I start to get up and say I have to switch loads of laundry and fold clothes.

Then I remember I cannot do that.

1. My purse is here.

2. Her dad is an insulin dependent diabetic and I have a cupboard full of nice new sharp needles. Several hundred of them.

I sit at the table watching her nod off and on and listening to the children play.

DH comes back from delivering the oldest to her play date.

Now that he is back, I can go downstairs and finish the laundry. So, I do.

I come back upstairs, she is still nodding.

DH says, "it's 3:35. Don't you have to pick up B at work?"

She comes alive, says Oh, yeah. Gets baby, gets coat etc and shoes put on.


What a weird life we all lead.

I did not ask her. I did not ask her to lift her long sleeves.

What would be the point, really. She is going to a methadone clinic. She is 29 years old now.

She would deny it. She would say about how she passes all her piss tests. She would say how she is really tired, is all it is.

I have heard those excuses before. Perhaps that is all it is? Perhaps not.

Like I said before, her sobriety, or lack thereof is not in my control, or that of her daughters.

Happy 2nd Birthday wonder baby, who spent the first 3 weeks of your little life in NICU being weaned off methadone. Who at age two is so tiny that she wears 9 month old clothes.


  1. OMG. Wow. I'm speechless.


  2. Oh boy...

    I can't stop thinking of the littlest one -

    *Why* did you delete your other blogs??

  3. I can't stop thinking about it either. Trust me.

    I said when she was born, I would let CPS take this one. Since I have the other two, in Ohio, it's an automatic that they will place her with me.

    The idiot IS my daughter. I truly believe that if I take the baby, it will send her right over the edge and she will jump off the nearest bridge, or load up a needle.

    I am not quite ready to live with THAT guilt.

    We go to the same pediatrician, and I am keeping a watch on the medical things...and on the baby too, trust me.

    So far, she has done well with the baby, except for the petite stature and weight. The baby is on target developmentally, is always clean and fed, and the trailer is clean.

    More than that, I cannot control.

    If she is using, she will screw up. They always do.

  4. Oh God, I'm sorry. Just that you have to wonder or go there is so sad. Living the reality is beyond most's comprehension. You are in my prayers. And so is she and little one. ((((HUG))))

  5. doesn't it look weird when you see someone you've known half-stoned for so long with normal-looking eyes...

  6. I really hope you cantake that baby :(

  7. the eyes? yeah, even though they weren't pinned, the pupils weren't as large as they should have been LOL.

    After so many years, I forget what they used to be like. Pretty green eyes, I do remember THAT much.

  8. If it looks like there is a problem Syd, don't worry. I didn't hesitate with the other two.

    And, MY definition of a problem is a LOT narrower than most.

  9. Happy birthday little precious one who turned 2. :)

  10. All I ever think about when you talk of your daughter is what happenned to my sister after years of addiction. We lost her at 37, leaving three children. I pray for those grand babies of yours. My sisters children lived with a bunch of us(family) off and on(mostly on)but they were forever damaged by their exposure to her and her addiction. They are very sick adults now. All mentally ill and one is - you guessed it-a herion addict. Keep doing what you're doing-and I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about not letting her children see her like you were previously. Unfortunately they will ALWAYS adore their mother, despite her faults. At least thats what I experienced with my nieces and nephew.

  11. I can so relate. My daughter has been doing nothing but nodding for months now. She's on methadone, but I'm sure she's supplementing with God knows what. If it weren't for the grandbabies I would have very little to do with her. I sometimes wish she would just nod off for good. It sounds horrible. But it's being going on for 15 years. It never changes. We'd all get on with out lives. A little sadder, but without the constant knot in our stomachs. I'm so sorry for you, but thankful that you have your grandchildren.

  12. thanks Queen.

    I don't know yet exactly what I am going to do.

    It's almost a constant. And, it hurts.

    I am so sorry for the sister you lost that you loved once. And, for her babies.

  13. YaYa? WTF is it with methadone? And how are we supposed to TELL if they use?

    HIPPA regs make it so the clinic can't tell us, and the addict sure as heck won't.

    God, this is a totally fucked up, confusing as hell, weird life.

    Your gut says she is using over the methadone, but you cannot prove it. You don't even want to believe the lies anymore. Ever.

    You still sort of, love her. You wish she was not an addict.

    You know she is an addict, but you remember her as a baby.

    Most nights, IF you could cry, IF you could allow yourself the luxury of tears, you would.

    If you EVER start crying, you are so afraid that you will NEVER stop.

    Why don't other ppl get it?

  14. Maybe she's taking too much methodone. If they give her take home methodone she might be saving it up and taking more than she should. Whatever, the nodding is - I'm sorry you still have to deal with the [pure sadness] of it all.

  15. I am so sorry. I know that knife-in-the-gut feeling when you realize that it is possible she is using again. Please keep on doing what you are doing.... caring for those precious children, keeping an eye on the littlest one, and sharing with us. I got to see my daughter's eyes, unclouded by the heroin this last few weeks.... behind the glass wall in jail. I truly appreciate your writing. You are doing a good thing, on so many levels. Try to remember to take care of you, too. Thank you.

  16. My prayers are with you - and of course those babies!!