Mornings, Why?

5:50 a.m. First alarm goes off on cell phone. I reach over in my sleep, unplug cell, put it under my pillow. 5:53 a.m. 2nd alarm. Hit snooze under pillow. 3rd alarm....5:55, 4th alarm 5:59.....alarm clock 1st alarm 6 a.m. hit snooze but this entails a long reach and a partial sitting up to do so....6:05 5th cell alarm, hit snooze, 6:10 2nd regular alarm, hit snooze, first snooze re-activates from reg alarm, sit up in bed, hit snooze again. 6:15 2nd snooze from reg alarm goes off. Hit snooze again.  6:18 6th cell phone alarm goes off. Sit up in bed. Turn off regular alarm. Fish out cell from under pillow. Grab nook off charger. Grab cigs and lighter. Grab cell phone. Forget bluetooth. Navigate around five kittens, two cats in the dark so as not to step on any living life force.

Walk into dining room, let 3 dogs out of crate into back yard. Slut cat and Slut cat's son also get out. Slut cat is on her third litter since July. Make note to self: Call vet and schedule spay. I am tired of creepy crawlie kittens and giving them away.  Put water on for coffee. Walk over to counter, put one scoop in French Press. Go to bathroom, pee (I know, TMI), wash hands, back to kitchen. Prepare morning meds for two kids. Get bowls for two kids. Get cereal boxes out for two kids. Put on table. Look at table. Something not right. Go back and get spoons and 2 kinds of milk. Grab one kids meds (in a shot glass because cat likes to knock pills off counter which is NOT good because dogs like to eat little rollie things on kitchen floor). Put on table.

Kettle is whistling. Turn it off, put on warmer burner. Get dog food out. Fill five bowls of dog food. Get fresh water for idiots, I mean dogs.

Go over to stove, grab kettle, go to sink, pour water into French Press, put lid on, re-fill kettle, take back to warming burner to heat for next pot.  Grab two cups out of cupboard. Walk back to sink, push knob on French Press to squish grounds down. Pour plastic sugar free creamer into Hubby's cup. Fill both cups with hot fresh mixture of Sumatra and East African coffee. Take hubby's coffee into bedroom. Trade coffee for Chihuahua who is still in bed and does not want to get out. Carry idiot Chihuahua out to back porch and down stairs (she is only 5 months old, can run UP stairs but not DOWN stairs.) Walk her down into the yard and stand there freezing while she keeps running back onto porch. Do really strange dance of trying to block stairway which is much wider than am I, and keep Chihuahua from running up stairs until she actually pees outside because otherwise she will come right in and pee on my oriental carpet. Yell at other dogs to quit sniffing her in disgusting places while she is trying to pee.

Let all dogs in where they promptly start fighting over which of the five bowls for four dogs they will eat at.

Go to bottom of stairs to attic bedroom. Call up, "Girls, it's time to wakey wakey. Let me hear a 3/4 Pint noise. A grunt ensues.  Okay, good morning sweetie, time to get up.  Can I hear a 1/2 Pint noise? Hello? Half Pint, wake up honey. It's time to get up.  GROAN. GROAN. GROAN.   3/4 comes down stairs, falling halfway down. (It's the only way she ever comes down stairs. falling.) HALF PINT, come ON please. Finally, she says "do I have to get up?" Yes, you do. I am not going to jail because you want to sleep in. ARRRRRRR. Down she comes.

They stumble into the dining room, falling into their respective chairs. I sit at table, Nook in hand, take my first sip of coffee. Slut cat decides it is time to come back in, jumps on screen door of patio to let me know. I get up, let her in, son of slut comes in as well. Good on then, that's done. Shut door.

1/2 is sitting at the table looking totally helpless. 3/4 is already eating. I ask 1/2 "would you like me to pour your cereal?" she nods. then, of course, I have to pour milk as well. and I didn't pour ENOUGH milk. she says. I pour more. I don't care that milk is over $3.00 a gallon, I just want her to eat and leave me alone.

I have been up one half hour.

Get the headlines and one cigarette and half a cup of coffee, then up to try to wake up Pint. I realize her alarm is NOT going off which means she took her iPod off the alarm clock in the middle of the night. she is as hard to wake up as I am.

She has a basement bedroom. I go over to the sink, and hold on to the edge of the sink and then jump up an down repeatedly on the floor.  Roughly 10 times. This action shakes the CEILING of Pint's bedroom directly over her head.

I then go back to the top of the basement stairs and yell down PINT!!!! Honey!!! Time to get up!!! No answer. Sigh. Back to the sink, more jumps. Finally she answers. I go back for some more coffee and tell the little's to start getting dressed, their bus comes in less than 20.

Back to the stairs I go. Yell down, no answer. Down I go. She is curled up under the covers, laptop on bed, iPod on bed, spilled glass of milk on floor. GRRRRRRR. I grab the laptop, iPod, pull the covers competely off and say GET UP NOW. And, you are grounded from your laptop. Go back upstairs. As I am going up, I hear the wail start.

YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE. yep. I know. That's my job!

Up she comes. Wailing the whole time. I tell her to take her meds. She is mad because I didn't make her chocolate milk. I tell her she is 11 and a half years old and can make her own. I trip over one of the five dog food bowls, it spills. I ignore it, dogs all run to try to be the first ones there to clean it up.  She says she is dizzy. I tell her she shouldn't have stayed up half the night. She starts yelling how its not HER fault she has ADHD, it's her parents fault for taking drugs while they were pregnant. I decide I hate smart assed kids in the morning. I tell her to just take her pill and shut up.

The alarm for the first bus goes off. I make sure the younger two have book bags, coats, hair brushed (almost forgot one) etc. Out we go. I stand at the mailbox and watch them trek up the street to the corner to wait for the bus. I forgot my hoodie and it's cold. I can't leave though until I see them safely on the bus. Bus comes, I wave as they drive away.

Back into house. Pint is asleep on couch. Pill not taken. I grab blanket, put away, tell her to please start getting dressed she has half hour till her bus is here. See that she has not taken her pill. Tell her to take pill. She grabs shot glass, takes pill out and SLAMS glass onto coffee table. grRRRRR. I let that one pass. She grabs her spongebob glass, takes a sip of water and SLAMS the half full glass down on coffee table right next to 2 Xbox controllers ($50 each) and 3 remote controls. I Gibb Slap the back of her head. Sigh. She spits out her pill. I pick it up and wash it off and give it back to her. She spits it out. We go into kitchen where I get her another pill. She is wailing the entire time.

Takes pill. Finally starts getting dressed. I find her cell phone, iPod and notebook. Put all together. Get her hair brushed as she is telling me she wants to 1. Die. 2. Be ugly. 3. Cut off all her hair because she is ugly anyway. 4. I don't listen to her. 5. She did NOT slam down the cup on purpose, she was dizzy and dropped it. 6. She doesn't like school. 7. She doesn't like her clothes.

I tell her she has something red and stained around the corner of her mouth. Into the bathroom we go, I grab a washcloth out of the linen closet, moisten the edge of it and start washing the spot of what appears to be hot pink marker (which she wrote on her arm with and then slept on her arm...why?), She screams. YOU ARE TRYING TO POISON ME WITH CHEMICALS, GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!!

Rather confused, because truly, although it would be understood in any court of law, that was NOT my intention this morning, to poison her with chemicals.....and I smell Downy fabric softener on the wash cloth. I explain that there are NO chemicals, that is merely the scent left from the Downy. Pink marker face is now clean. Hair is brushed. I simply do not have what it takes this morning to demand teeth be brushed for this one.

Grab her hoodie which she doesn't understand why she must wear. Make her put it on anyway. Hand her her purse, Binder and out the door she goes. Watch her walk up the street and round the corner.

It is 8:13. I have been up two hours so far.